Joke thread

At school my favorite lesson used to be PE, due to the fact that I had the biggest cock in the class. I used to love strolling around the changing rooms stark naked, flicking the weaker kids with the tip of my towel whilst pointing and laughing at the ones with the little knobs.
now looking back I think that's why I was sacked.
 
They say a woman's fanny is like a shed roof...if you don't nail it hard enough it will probably end up next door!



Blonde takes her car to be repaired, fearing an expensive bill. But the mechanic fixes it in 2 mins, "nothin serious love, just shit in the air filter." She replies 'really.....? how often do i have to do that?


An irish man and his son went to the zoo, a sign says "feed the elephant a bun to get your age". The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stamps it's foot 6 times."wow" says the boy "that's right i am 6, you have a go dad". The irish chap gives the elephant a bun . . . A moment later the elephant farts and stamps twice "be jesus that's right" said the father "i am farty two !"
 
It's one of the 'Your Mum' jokes;

Your mama's so thick that she climbed over a glass wall just to see what was on the other side<br /><br />-- Thu Oct 20, 2011 5:03 pm --<br /><br />Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
 
The Pope is suffering from a terrible illness and seems likely to die. The Vatican doctors are unable to help their Holy Father; all are puzzled, with one exception, a student doctor.

"I have to tell you, Holy Father," says the student doctor, "that you have what is known as a 'semen block', and if this block is not removed as soon as possible you will surely die."

"So how do you intend to remove it?" asks the Pope.

"You cannot remove the block yourself; it has to be done by a woman."

"OK," says the Pope. "Then bring me a woman who is blind so she cannot see me and deaf so she cannot recognise my voice. She must also be mute so she cannot tell anyone about this terrible occurrence."

"Of course, Holy Father," says the student doctor. "Any other requests?"

"Yes. Make sure she has big tits."




A baby shark swimming up the coast asks his dad "why do we circle people in the water with our fins showing before we eat them? Why don't we just attack" . . . .. The wise old father said . . . "they taste better without the shit inside them"



I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Liverpool win the premier league."


"You crafty ****!" said the fairy.

-- Fri Oct 21, 2011 12:03 pm --

Everton Fan Colonel Gaddafi last wishes was that he should be buried in the number 18 gascoigne shirt, as he wants to be buried in the gaza strip



I had a friend at school who's mum was Cuban and Dad Icelandic, so we called him an Ice cube.

I had another friend who's parents were both scousers, so we called him ****.





My wife said, "I wish you were hung like Ron Jeremy."I said, "I wish you were hung like Ruth Ellis."<br /><br />-- Fri Oct 21, 2011 12:04 pm --<br /><br />Best chat up line ever....... I hope you have pet insurance because I'm about to destroy your pussy.
 
Police marksmen covering the disturbances at Dale Farm have been required to open fire three times ..................................









.........................they have won a goldfish, teddy bear and inflatable hammer!
 
My wife has just told me that I've got to go to the hospital on Sunday because her mum is in there and is about to die. I said, "But the derby is on Sunday!", so she said "Record it then!"

I can't wait to see her face when I turn up at the hospital with a camera and tripod.
 
Whilst out shopping with my dad, we decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenage girl sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter
old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

"Yeah," he said, "I got stoned once and screwed a parrot. Just wondering if you were my daughter."




How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Stick it in the microwave till it's Bill Withers!<br /><br />-- Fri Oct 21, 2011 7:30 pm --<br /><br />I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

"Yes."

"Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

"Die, heretic scum," I said, and I pushed him off.
 
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