Joke thread

Was at City christmas panto - everytime rags were mentioned the crowd yelled their behind you
 
*Tip for Chelsea fans*
If you put your replica shirt in the washing machine set at its highest temperature for 3 or 4 washes, it will soon turn light blue and thus will be perfect when you decide to start supporting Manchester City!
 
Dalglish walks into the Liverpool dressing room after a match and there is a big turd on the floor.

He yells to the players; " Who's shit on the floor?"

Andy Carrol raises his arm and says; "Me boss, but I'm better in the air"



In the interest of the environment, this joke has been produced using recycled material from the original Emile Heskey gag!
 
My budgie managed to get free from his cage and shag the fucking dog.

I've got some puppies going cheep if your interested.
 
Breaking news.... Howard Webb says he will fight for his united place despite chris foy's stunning 1st half performance yesterday



After Stewart Downing's arrest for assaulting his ex last night,Police have advised Women to dress as a full back as he hasn't beaten one of those in over 5 years.



For their upcoming fixture with Manchester United and to avoid a clash of colour, Liverpool will sport an alternative kit of white shirts,white shorts with white socks.

And white hoods.


My wife left me after I kept getting erections in the most inappropriate of places.

Mainly in her sister's arse.




I shagged an ugly Chinese bird in a lift.
I know, I know.....I was fucking Wong on so many levels.
 
While on holiday in Thailand i nearly had sex with a ladyboy. She looked like a lady, spoke like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady. It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed her car into the spot 1st time i thought hang on a minute .
 
New to Channel 4 tonight - Antony Worrall-Thompson shows how to cook a seven course banquet for less than a fiver.....
 
mrcunny said:
While on holiday in Thailand i nearly had sex with a ladyboy. She looked like a lady, spoke like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady. It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed her car into the spot 1st time i thought hang on a minute .
Click to expand...

Like :)
 
My missus asked me if I could show her a good time? So I showed her some photos of me and my mates before I got married.
 
Why there are no male Agony Aunts - Dear Jim last week - I left for work as normal but having only gone a mile my car broke down so I walked home again & arriving unexpectedly I found my 16yr old babysitter handcuffed to the bed in her school uniform with my husband in the room, I am devastated can you help? Dear Sally: A common cause for this is dirt in your carburettor don't let your fuel drop too low in the tank hope this helps....Jim.
 
Saw a fat bird walking down the street this morning, she was wearing a T-shirt with I love hip hop on it. I think the letters C & S must have fallen off!
 
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