Joke thread

[citizen_maine]

It deserves an airing every now and then.....
:-)

Hopefully we don't hear it again for another 65 years

 

[fanatic1]

Old Hamish McTavish died and his family were summoned to hear the reading of his last will and testament. The solicitor intoned "I hereby bequeath all my Knutsford properties to my dear wife, my Wilmslow properties to my only son and my Alderley Edge properties to my daughter."

The solicitor paused and remarked "Wow. Old Hamish must have a very substantial portfolio."

His wife replied "Portfolio my arse. Those are his paper rounds"

 

[Dave Ewing's Back 'eader]

View attachment 134638

He'd be alright once Angie has got her workers' rights through the house - one day and unfair dismissal kicks in!

 

[Dave Ewing's Back 'eader]

Now we have ' forever ' as in friend, home , car, dog etc...great if you're a pretentious, attention seeking twat.

The funny thing about these forevers is that they never seem to be 'forever'!

 

[Lavinda Past]

The funny thing about these forevers is that they never seem to be 'forever'!

So Liam was lying when he said me and him are going to live forever...?

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[northendenton]

Kier Starmer walked into a bar,

"Whiskey please bartender, " he asked.

The bartender served him his whisky, "Excuse me, this has got ice in it, I didn't want ice. " Said Starmer,

"No, " replied the barman, "neither did the fucking pensioners. "

Got the spelling of the drink correct 2nd time lol

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[BimboBob]

Got the spelling of the drink correct 2nd time lol

Unless he was in an Irish bar?

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Bill Walker]

 

[Blue Llama]

My dad told me this joke in 1959, and it wasn’t new then.

Wasn't even funny then. One with a punch line obvious at the start.

 

[northendenton]

Unless he was in an Irish bar?

Just the Irish can't spell Whisky lol

 

[Lavinda Past]

Got the spelling of the drink correct 2nd time lol

Starmer is so far up himself, he wouldn't notice if he was given Irish rather than Scotch.

 

[northendenton]

Starmer is so far up himself, he wouldn't notice if he was given Irish rather than Scotch.

He is certainly pissing on lots of chips any way

 

[Lavinda Past]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, 'Son, we'd get you one, but our mortgage is £200,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph going out if the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too....

I'm not staying here by myself with a £200,000 mortgage and no fuckin' bike.'

 

[Lavinda Past]

Adam and Eve have been having sex since they first discovered they could.

Eventually, Eve makes another move on Adam and he says, ‘you really stink, Eve... go to the sea and wash yourself’.

Embarrassed, Eve goes to the sea. She puts her ankles in but a booming voice from the heavens says ‘NO’.

Eve ignores the voice and moves deeper till the water touches her knees.

The voice booms again, ‘GO NO FURTHER!’

But, again, Eve ignores. She wades down until, finally, the water covers her privates. The voice booms:

‘FOR FUCK’S SAKE. NOW ALL THE FISH ARE GOING TO SMELL LIKE THAT’.