Joke thread

[theboyfrombrazil]

A barman in town finds a very expensive looking pen and asks two paddies sat at the bar if it belongs to one of them. Paddy says "lend it here a minute and I'll tell you". He starts writing on a beer mat and says "yep, it must be mine" How's that says the barman " Cos that's my fecking handwriting"!

 

[mrcunny]

A chinese boy came trick or treating at my door last night, dressed as a pirate. He asked if he could have a special treat for his brother who was ill at home. Feeling nice and sorry for him, I went inside to get him a big chocolate bar.

Then the little **** ran off with my dog.

-- Thu Nov 03, 2011 8:42 pm --

Bloke at the races whispers to Paddy, "Do you want the winner of the next race?" Paddy says, "No thanks, I've only got a small garden".

I didnt get either....

haha you are kidding me?...

 

[jimharri]

A sailor comes back to his home port after a long sea voyage and heads straight for the nearest brothel.

"I need a woman to suck my dick," he tells the madame.

"Sure," says the madame and signals to a gorgeous brunette.

The sailor goes into a room with the whore, drops his trousers and she starts sucking away. After five or ten minutes:

"It's not getting hard, you know," says the whore.

"It's not supposed to get hard," says the sailor, "just clean."

 

[McnabsMustache83]

paddy told his wife he was getting a burning sensation in his arse and he did'nt know what it was.
she said "ring sting"
he said "how the fuck would he know"
:-0

 

[BackofJeanette]

: Fergie just picked his best side in the last 25 years -
Durkin, Dean, Riley, Stiles, Wiley, Clattenburg, Atwell, Webb (c), Atkinson, Dowd, Winter.

 

[paphos-mcfc]

After nearly 100yrs at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. Irish divers were amazed to find the swimming pool on the Titanic was still full.

 

[charliebigspuds]

Now then, now then pop pickers. This week's non-mover is Jimmy Savile.

I've just been listening to the top 40 and I'm sure it said he'd gone down 6

 

[i kne albert davy]

Irish historians have discovered what they believe to be the headstone from the worlds oldest man, he was a 193 and called Miles from Dublin.

 

[BackofJeanette]

Having renamed the north stand, the sir alex ferguson stand, man utd are ready to name the south stand after another one of the clubs legends...



It will now be known as the howard webb stand.


Got pulled over by the police last night and ordered to get out of my car.

'You're staggering', said the officer. 'You're not a bad looking fucker yourself' I replied.

-- Tue Nov 08, 2011 10:00 pm --

This maths sequence can predict your all time favorite film....mine was JAWS. I'm not sure how it works, but it does!
Try it without looking at the answers. DON'T PEEK!


Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3 to it.

Multiply by 3 again.

Add the two digits together.

3.Oliver

4.Star Wars

5.Forrest Gump

6.Saving Private Ryan

7.Jaws

8.Grease

9.The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Goats

10.Mary Poppins<br /><br />-- Tue Nov 08, 2011 10:06 pm --<br /><br />My missus was looking through my phone when she stumbled across a video of what looked like me sucking on a black cock.I said, "Before you start it's not what it looks like.""Oh thank god," she cried. "For a minute there I thought it was you sucking on a black man's cock.""Haha no silly, come here," I said as I gave her a loving cuddle."Who is it then?" she asked, puzzled.I replied,
"It's me sucking on a white man's cock that's covered in Marmite!

 

[daveduke67]

Two Irishmen in a helicopter.

Paddy says to Murphy,
If this thing tips sideways would we fall out?

Murphy says,
No Paddy, we'll always be mates

---------------

Did you hear about the thalidomide porn star - had an arm like a babies dick.

---------------

Dwarf goes to doctors and tells him everytime it rains she gets a nasty red rash around her fanny.

As it's raining the Doctor tells her to strip and examines her. Sure enough the dwarfs minge is red raw. Doctor says to wait a minute then get dressed.

Dwarf asks what doctors suggests and Doctor says to come back next time it rains.

The day after its pissing down and the dwarf returns. Doctors asks her how is she is.

'The rash has gone completely' says the dwarf, ' what on earth did you do?'

Quite simple, says doctor, I cut three inches of the top of your wellies.