Joke thread

A tourist was on holiday in Transylvania and late one evening he decided to go for a walk in the local park. He hadn't gone far when he heard a noise from some nearby bushes. He was about to investigate but before he could do so, a man with elongated, blood stained incisor teeth sprung out. He jumped on the tourist's back and was about to sink his fangs into the would be victim's neck when he was suddenly hit on the temple by three stale sausage rolls. Those were quickly followed by a dozen hard boiled eggs, two large and out of date pork pies, half a dozen jacket potatoes and a big chunk of mature cheddar cheese, all of which found their target. The attacker collapsed in a heap on the floor and didn't move. Four youths appeared and introduced themselves as Guardians of the park with a mission to protect walkers from attacks by Dracula. The tourist thanked them for saving his life and they went on their way. The next day, the newspapers were cock-a-hoop that this menace would never harm people again with a headline that read......."Buffet, the Vampire Slayer"
 
Safecracker said:
A tourist was on holiday in Transylvania and late one evening he decided to go for a walk in the local park. He hadn't gone far when he heard a noise from some nearby bushes. He was about to investigate but before he could do so, a man with elongated, blood stained incisor teeth sprung out. He jumped on the tourist's back and was about to sink his fangs into the would be victim's neck when he was suddenly hit on the temple by three stale sausage rolls. Those were quickly followed by a dozen hard boiled eggs, two large and out of date pork pies, half a dozen jacket potatoes and a big chunk of mature cheddar cheese, all of which found their target. The attacker collapsed in a heap on the floor and didn't move. Four youths appeared and introduced themselves as Guardians of the park with a mission to protect walkers from attacks by Dracula. The tourist thanked them for saving his life and they went on their way. The next day, the newspapers were cock-a-hoop that this menace would never harm people again with a headline that read......."Buffet, the Vampire Slayer"
Click to expand...
Sweet baby Jebus and his disciples.
 
A journalist was sat having his lunch in the park and noticed two lads playing football together. Out of nowhere, a bull terrier type dog appeared and chased the smaller boy before eventually grabbing him by the lower leg and locking it's jaws to his calf.

Without hesitation, the older boy grabbed a huge stick and shoved it down the dog's collar, twisting it until a loud crack signified a broken neck for the hound and it slumped to the floor.

The journalist was amazed and realised he had a great scoop for that evening's paper.

Waiting for the ambulance, he quizzed the older boy who informed him it was his brother who had been attacked by their own family dog.

The journalist began writing his headline - "Manchester City fan saves brother from evil death dog!"

"That's an ok headline" the boy said, "but I'm not a City fan."

The journalist tried again - "Manchester United fan rescues brother from clutches of evil beast!"

"That's alright but I don't support United either. I'm a Liverpool fan."

The journalist writes "Evil Scouse bastard murders family pet."
 
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