Joke thread

Oh dear, another kidnapping at a primary school...these teachers have to be more interesting.

Next year I'm gonna take a really really clear photograph of myself. It'll be my new year's high resolution.

Don't talk to me about being modest...I know all about it.

A friend of mine was killed by his own mum and dad. I blame the parents.
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
Oh dear, another kidnapping at a primary school...these teachers have to be more interesting.

Next year I'm gonna take a really really clear photograph of myself. It'll be my new year's high resolution.

Don't talk to me about being modest...I know all about it.

A friend of mine was killed by his own mum and dad. I blame the parents.
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Lol back with a bang!
 
A load of books just fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame.
 
Oscar Pistorious has sacked his current legal team and hired Celtic's , after hearing they lost both legs but still got a victory.
 
Chipmeister said:
Oscar Pistorious has sacked his current legal team and hired Celtic's , after hearing they lost both legs but still got a victory.
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First decent one for a while. Thanks.
 
A seven-year-old says to his four-year-old sister "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you."
"OK" says the four-year-old.
Mum asks seven-year-old what he wants for breakfast: "Coco Pops, bitch" he replies.
Mum yells at him ferociously and he runs out of the kitchen.
Mum then asks the four-year-old sternly: "And what do you want?"
She replies: "I dunno, but it won't be fucking Coco Pops!"
 
My mum overheard me and my sister slagging her off behind her back. She confronted me and said "You disgust me!" I said "Yes we did."

My roommate said "I'm going toilet."
I said "Ok, but don't you dare pebble dash it again!"
Well ... He went potty!

I'm sick of my girlfriend poking fun at me, I want her dead. So I went to the library and took out the book 'To Kill A Mockingbird'
 
I got sacked yesterday :( My boss held me down and tea-bagged me.

People say I take after my dear old grandad. Unfortunately he's ill and on the transplant list. He's a man after my own heart that fellow.

I'm sick to death of eating food all the time. I'm fed up with the stuff.
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
I got sacked yesterday :( My boss held me down and tea-bagged me.

People say I take after my dear old grandad. Unfortunately he's ill and on the transplant list. He's a man after my own heart that fellow.

I'm sick to death of eating food all the time. I'm fed up with the stuff.
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?
Now I do enjoy your jokes but cant for the life of me understand this one...
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
I got sacked yesterday :( My boss held me down and tea-bagged me.

People say I take after my dear old grandad. Unfortunately he's ill and on the transplant list. He's a man after my own heart that fellow.

I'm sick to death of eating food all the time. I'm fed up with the stuff.
Click to expand...

o P

This one was good :)
 
Two string beans were walking down the road, when one is hit by a car.

They take him to the hospital. He has surgery. Afterwards the surgeon comes and talks to the other string bean. I have good news and I have bad news...

The good news is your friend made it through surgery just fine. The string bean said okay so what's the bad news. The surgeon explained he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.
 
My friend holds down 2 jobs. He works in the morning pulling feathers out of chickens, and in the evening he makes money doing crochet. He's a plucky sew and sew.

Got a big jug of beautiful beer at the pub, or was it a ewer? anyway whatevet it was, it was pitcheresque.

I'm a timid guy, but when the boss screamed at me for miscounting his stock, well.... I had to retaliate.
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
My friend holds down 2 jobs. He works in the morning pulling feathers out of chickens, and in the evening he makes money doing crochet. He's a plucky sew and sew.

Got a big jug of beautiful beer at the pub, or was it a ewer? anyway whatevet it was, it was pitcheresque.

I'm a timid guy, but when the boss screamed at me for miscounting his stock, well.... I had to retaliate.
Click to expand...


Hmmm were those crackers blue stripe?
 
My wife came home with a new pair of shoes,

"I've bought a pair of fuck me shoes, " she said,

"great, get them on and lets get upstairs, " I said,


"no, it's not those type, it's the type that are going to make you say, 'Fuck me!' when you see the price, " she replied
 
I was Tennis Umpire as my son was having a fantastic game. He reached a world record of 35 straight aces. I can't fault the lad.

I don't get to many games, I'm an armchair fan. Currently I'm watching the match in my Easy Recliner 4000 series. It's one of my favourites.

Notorious prostitute 'Big Fanny Felicia' has been arrested for killing a client during a threesome. The surviving participant told the press, "Luckily I'm not one to beat around the bush, my poor mate Ken though, he's gone and kicked the bucket."
 
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