Joke thread

[ST Coleridge]

I met Rolf Harris at the Jubilee concert I said are you the bloke that did 2 little boys in the 70s he says no that was Gary Glitter

Spooky.

 

[woodieMCFC]

What's the difference between Man Utd and North Korea?
One's a regime run by a mentalist, facist dictator and followed by thousands of brainwashed
in-breds....





The other's a pisspot country in Asia.

I like that one Haha

 

[ST Coleridge]

What's brown and rhymes with 'snoop'?

Spoiler

Dr. Dre

 

[paphos-mcfc]

Margaret Thatcher, the only person to fuck more miners than Jimmy Savile...

I thank you.

 

[BackofJeanette]

£12 for a 3 course meal that feeds 4, that's why Mum's go to Iceland.


£5 for an 18 year old girl bouncing on your cock all day,

that's why Dad's go to Thailand.<br /><br />-- Sat Apr 20, 2013 10:15 pm --<br /><br />The Scottish F.A. have given the green light for the use of goal-line technology.


Hawk-eye the noo will be in use from next season.

 

[mrcunny]

So, I walked in to a pub last week and said to the bar man - 'Can I have lalf a hager and a woman of pitter...?'

Barman looks at me funny like....

'Sorry! I mean pint of bitter and half a lager! Got me letter mixed up din't ah!!'

Barman reassures me - 'Ah don't worry about it mate, I do that all the time... Just the other morning I woke up to the smell of me wife cooking breakfast. It smelt beautiful. As I was walking down the stairs I meant to shout down - 'ere Sharon, put us some egg and bacon on! But what actually came out was - you've ruined my life you stupid fat cow....

 

[Carstairs]

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.


By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

 

[Txiki Vimto]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
(You looked at your thumb... didn't you?)

Haha class.

 

[mrcunny]

Took the missus out for a romantic meal last night and played footsie under the table while we were eating.I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the hole.

 

[speccybob]

Took the missus out for a romantic meal last night and played footsie under the table while we were eating.I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the hole.

Brilliant!!!!