Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

I asked my wife what she would like for a birthday present. She said she'd love something with diamonds.

So I bought her a pack of cards.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I bought some shirts from the army surplus store. The guy on the checkout told me that were actually used in battle

They were the casual tees of war

 

[Vienna_70]

A rag went on a hunting safari to Kenya.

One day, while his party was out in the jungle, a naked woman jumped out and shouted, "I’m game!"

So he shot her!

 

[Sam101]

Just joined a Ukranian dating site.



I've now got a chick in Kiev

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

A lorryload of Vicks Vapo Rub overturned on the M6 today.
There was no congestion for eight hours.

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

 

[LWashington]

His sister Fi is on tv and his brother Matt is coming along nicely.

This sounds like a rejected line from "John Kettley is a Weatherman".

 

[Lavinda Past]

Do you know the name if Sherlock Holmes' son?

What son?

No, that was his doctor.

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

What do you get if you cross Christmas cracker jokes and Tim Vine’s pace of comedy?

Lavinda Past. ;-)