Joke thread

@nimal said:
A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?'

'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night.

He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'
Click to expand...

Explain - so the ugly man is really a dog
 
My wife says I‘m naive and don’t know that much about sex…ha ha...we'll see what she says when I take her catting...

I've just started work as a human chess piece….the money's not bad and I'm on knights next week

Does dressing up as a flower have any stigma attached to it....

My wife left me because of my obsession with trying to speak French....C'est la vie

I've managed to build a car without a reverse gear or a steering wheel….It's straight forward really

My friend who happens to be a karate expert, kept begging me to join his classes, I kept saying no but he eventually managed to twist my arm.

I'm sure I've already posted my joke about deja vu!

I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday….he had a Wigan address.

My wife smeared butter all over my knob earlier....now I can't open the f*******g door.

I'm not a superstitious man, but I always find I leave the bookies with a significant amount of money when I carry my lucky sawn-off shotgun.

The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.....she hit the f****g roof.
 
The Talking Centipede


A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.



So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.



After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.



He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet
to the pub for a drink with him.



So he asked the centipede
in the box,
"Would you like to go
down the pub with me today?
We will have a good time."



But there was no answer
from his new pet.



This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
"How about going
down the pub with me ?"



But again,
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.



The guy decided
to invite the centipede
one last time.



This time he
put his face up against
the centipede ' s box and shouted,
"Hey, in there!
Would you like to go
to
the pub with me?
.....
This time,
a little voice
came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!

I 'm putting my fucking shoes on!"
 
johnmc said:
@nimal said:
A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?'

'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night.

He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'
Click to expand...

Explain - so the ugly man is really a dog
Click to expand...


[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ddp1pf_MB8[/video]
 
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: £1.50
Chicken Sandwich: £2.50
Hand Job: £10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
 
kew5kx.jpg





'Use the tazer, Mick!

'Use the tazer, Mick!
'Use the tazer, Mick!


Use the fukkin' tazer!'
 
I'm so depressed I've started eating gravel by the bowl full. My therapist said I've got to dig in and grit my teeth.

My mate would make fun of me because he was always a better DJ than me, until recently that is. Oh how the tables have turned.

I needed to reinstall windows, it asked me to back up my drive. I said "Sure Mr Window Fitter man, if you like."
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
I'm so depressed I've started eating gravel by the bowl full. My therapist said I've got to dig in and grit my teeth.

My mate would make fun of me because he was always a better DJ than me, until recently that is. Oh how the tables have turned.

I needed to reinstall windows, it asked me to back up my drive. I said "Sure Mr Window Fitter man, if you like."
Click to expand...


Lol your jokes are getting better!
 
I was DJ'ing last night at the annual disco for the National Dyslexic Association….I made the mistake of playing YMCA - It was mayhem!

The Inventor of the jug died today....tributes have been pouring in.
 
Tuearts right boot said:
You can tell when you're getting old, I found my first grey pube the other day, I was mortified.



I told her she's better get it sorted out.













Somehow it sounds much funnier when John Bishop tells it
Click to expand...
I'm impressed. You got John Bishop and funny in the same sentence. Well done.
 
Alex Salmond was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.




The teacher asked Mr. Salmond if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."

"Incorrect", said Alex, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too- patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."


A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"


'I'm afraid not', explained Alex, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Alex searched the room.



"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"


Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Alex, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"


"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"
 
My friend said "Mate, my feet! they're so hot, they're burning up! I think it's these shoes!! MATE!! DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID!?"
I said "Bloody hell, chill your boots man."

We left our baby girls with our sexy babysitter in the flat above us. When we got in, I went up to get them. I told little Rubella, Melanoma and Rosacea to go downstairs to see their mum. Then I shagged the babysitter and came down with Chlamydia.

I ran over a pig yesterday. I don't know where it came from but it wouldn't get out of my way. It was it's own stupid fault. Fucking road hog.
 
BlueBearBoots said:
TangerineSteve17 said:
I'm so depressed I've started eating gravel by the bowl full. My therapist said I've got to dig in and grit my teeth.

My mate would make fun of me because he was always a better DJ than me, until recently that is. Oh how the tables have turned.

I needed to reinstall windows, it asked me to back up my drive. I said "Sure Mr Window Fitter man, if you like."
Click to expand...


Lol your jokes are getting better!
Click to expand...
no they are not.
 
At a crowded bus stop in Piccadilly, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't So a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her annoyance she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big fella that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the top step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the guy said "Well Love normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
 
@nimal said:
Alex Salmond was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.




The teacher asked Mr. Salmond if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."

"Incorrect", said Alex, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too- patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."


A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"


'I'm afraid not', explained Alex, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Alex searched the room.



"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"


Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Alex, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"


"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"
Click to expand...

Best joke on here for a while. Don't know why but Alex Salmond has a face I would love to smash my fist into. He always strikes me as being a smug bastard.
 
I've suddenly decided to use Latin again. Circa 30 seconds ago, etcetera.

To look better, fat blokes should always grow a beard. They hide a multitıde of chins

Got myself a cheap old pc, it doesnt run windows but its alright for a dos about.

I am the heaviest, the richest, and most prolific owner of dog shelters in the country. Pound for pound that is.
 
This thread was in danger of going on the page 3. I won't have it.



I ripped the seats out of my sports car and installed a leather couch instead. Now I have a suite ride dude.

My friend does incredibly detailed and fabulous sketches, he really is jolly good. Top drawer you might say.

I spent all morning looking for my hammer, in the end all I found was a mallet. I thought, oh well, it's better than nothing. So I spun around in circles and threw that as far as I could instead.

I was watching 2 gorgeous women competing in the mud wrestling finals. Things began to get dirty so I decided to wade in.
 
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