Joke thread

I went into my local newsagents yesterday and asked for some Halls soothers, I was surprised when the shopkeeper came from the back with a couple of 12 year old girls.
 
An old lady was at the cash machine and she was struggling to read the screen, so she asked me to check her balance... So I pushed her over.


What do you call a donkey with glasses on... A smart ass.
 
A man phones his local council office and says, "I have just raped a fat, ugly as fuck, ginger woman!". The receptionist says, "You need to phone the police to confess, sir". The man replies, "I don't want to confess, I want you to fix the lights in the fucking park!" :-D
 
I found a video on my wife's phone of me shagging her.
I don't remember filming this but it must have been on holiday, I've got a great tan and my cock looks massive.


I remember at school to prepare me for work in later life, I was sent on work experience at a department store for two weeks.
The scouse lad in our class got a fortnight at home doing fuck all and watching telly.


I've been to quite a few wakes, but I've yet to attend one that actually worked.



I love yoghurt. It's everything my girlfriend isn't.

Sweet, fat free, and all over my cock right now.<br /><br />-- Tue Jul 02, 2013 5:55 pm --<br /><br />I couldn't believe that ITV broadcasted the sex offenders' register.

Then I realised I was watching the closing credits for Coronation Street.
 
With the success of the channel 5 programme the man with 10 stone balls , next wk features Ryan Giggs mother titled the woman with the 10 stone ****
 
A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks him what he wants.
'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between
your tits' he says.
'Out you dirty git' shouts the barmaid 'get out before I get my husband.'
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.
The barmaid accepts his apology and asks him again what he wants.
'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your
arse and lick it all off' he says.
'You dirty filthy pervert. You're barred. Get out!' she storms.
Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.
'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?'
'I want to turn you upside down, open your legs, fill your fanny with
Stella Artois and then drink every last drop from it'.
The barmaid is absolutely furious at this last suggestion, and runs
upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
'What's up love?' he asks.
'There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and
lick the sweat off', she says.
'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband.
'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and
lick it off'' she screams.
'Right. He's dead,' says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Stella
and then drink it all' she cries.
The husband puts down his bat, returns to his armchair, and switches the
telly back on.
'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically.......
'Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of
Stella!!!!
 
An Irish man walks past a pub and sees a sign on the window, "pies £1, wanks 50p." He legs it into the pub, dead excited and sees a stunning blonde barmaid. He asks her, "are you the one that gives wanks?" She said, "yeah, I am". He said, "well can you wash your hands coz I want one of those pies".
 
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