Joke thread

My wife said, "You never say anything romantic to me."
So I said, "You might be a fat bastard, but you're my fat Bastard."
Sometimes you just have to show them your soft side.
 
Hamann Pineapple said:
"My dogs got no nose"

"Well, I'm sorry but it's unlikely he'll ever walk again"
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foetus said:
Hamann Pineapple said:
"My dogs got no nose"

"Well, I'm sorry but it's unlikely he'll ever walk again"
Click to expand...
1400.gif
Click to expand...

Oh, keep up, you thick ****

<a class="postlink" href="http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/sns-wp-blm-news-bc-paralyzed21-20141021-story.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/sns- ... story.html</a>

Spider came in my bedroom tonight and blew itself up.

Jihadi Longlegs
 
I was in a church watching a nun carefully and methodically lighting each candle in perfect order.
I whispered to the bishop "She's systematic isn't she!?"
He said "No no, that's Sister Mary."


I was doing quizzes with my mate.

I said "2 Down, the clue is 'To be victorious', 10 letters, beginning with a T"
He said "Triumphant."
I said "Are you deaf? It begins with a T. Umphant doesn't fit and I don't even think it's a word."

I said "Name 3 Belgian football teams."
He said "Brugge, Standard Liege, Anderlecht."
I said "Erlecht? Never heard of 'em."

I had a look on cheapflights.com but they wanted hundreds of pounds. Scandalous! I can get a brand new set of darts for less than a tenner.

aaand run.
 
my mate asked me what I was doing now id retired.so I told him I was now my wifes sexual advisor,he said I beg your pardon what does that mean,i said simple my wife said when she wants my fucking advice she"ll ask for it
 
Two married friends are out having a few scoops one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I tell the Taxi driver to drop me off in the next street. I quietly open the front door. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His Pal looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I tell the Taxi driver to screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the wardrobe, jump into bed, slap her on the arse and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
 
Three bulls heard the Farmer was bringing another bull onto the Farm.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you guys, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
 
blueincy said:
Three bulls heard the Farmer was bringing another bull onto the Farm.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you guys, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
Click to expand...

F**k me! An actual joke! In the joke thread!
Can we close the thread now and quit while we're ahead?
 
A teacher asks her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?"

Little Paddy raises his hand and says "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen."

"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion."

"But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen
 
I see Phil Rudd, the drummer with ACDC, has been charged with attempting to arrange a murder. I wonder did he pay a lot of money for this or was it a dirty deed done dirt cheap......
 
As usual, not jokes, just play on words.

I took 47 Pro Plus pills before bed and didn't wake up. I had an overdoze.

I was telling a friend. "My dad didn't teach me word meanings. But he was a strict grammar nazi."
He said "Oh? a write authoritarian was he?
I said "No, he never wrote a book about it."

I'm using a pencil because I've just lost the greatest Biro money can buy. It was the penultimate ultimate pen.
 
A lad goes into a massage parlour, after an hour of superb massage to his back and legs, the beautiful masseurse asked him to turn onto his back, as he turned over his towel fell off revealing the biggest hard on he had ever had. Wow said the girl , someone is a bit excited, would you like a wank. Dead right I would said the bloke. Well heres some kitchen roll, I'll go and get a brew .give me a shout when you've finished.
 
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