Joke thread

[Salford_Blue]

Bloke goes into a library and asks the Librarian,

"Do you have any books on shelves?".

She said, "Friggin' hundreds".

He then asked her "Do you have any books on suicide?"

She said, "We do but they're all out at present."


Three generations of a prostitute family sitting round the kitchen table.

The young girl says, "I've just earned £20 for a blowjob".
The mother says, "Blimey, in my day, it was only £1".
The grandmother says, "In my day, we were just greatful for a warm drink"

 

[2sheikhs]

A man goes to the doctors and says, "I've got a massive hole in my arse, doc". Doc says, "drop your pants and bend over then pal, let's have a look." When he shows him, the doc says, "christ mate, that's enormous. How did that happen?" The man says, "I was fucked by an elephant". The doc says, "but an elephants knob is long and thin, it wouldn't make a hole that wide." The bloke said, "yeah but he fingered me first".

 

[Chev Chelios]

Did you hear about the Mexican racist?

He joined the que que que!

 

[citymantop]

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 30 feet behind the first.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull terrier on a leash.
Behind him was a queue of about 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog. "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife"
"What happened to her?"
The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered "My Mother-in-law - she was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."



A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"



The man replied "Join the queue!"

 

[johnny on the spot]

Did you hear about the Mexican racist?

He joined the que que que!

[bigimg]http://i.imgur.com/6qs5Q.gif[/bigimg]

 

[dronefromsector7g]

I've got the memory of an elephant.

Last year I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

 

[Chev Chelios]

What's the leading cause of death with lesbians?


Hair balls!

 

[woodieMCFC]

Who runs faster than me?


Virgins.

 

[@nimal]

With the success of the channel 5 programme the man with 10 stone balls , next wk features Ryan Giggs mother titled the woman with the 10 stone ****

best joke on here

 

[law74]

An Irish man walks past a pub and sees a sign on the window, "pies £1, wanks 50p." He legs it into the pub, dead excited and sees a stunning blonde barmaid. He asks her, "are you the one that gives wanks?" She said, "yeah, I am". He said, "well can you wash your hands coz I want one of those pies".

this is wrong on so many levels
"an Irish man walks past a pub" yeah, like that is ever going to happen
then he goes into the pub and says he wants a pie? maybe you just mis-understood his brogue and he said he wanted a pint.