Joke thread

I went into a barber's, sat down in the chair and the barber said, "How do you want me to cut your hair?"

I said, "Like Liam Gallagher, please."

So he put on a parka and said, "Alright knobhead."
 
I took my girlfriend to dinner last night and I was shocked when one gentleman called me a paedophile just because she's 19 and I'm 30. It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.
 
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Anyone want to buy a robot?
 
was selling my pet python on ebay and some bloke rang up and said is it a big snake.i replied its huge, so he asked how many feet,i said none its a fucking snake
 
LRebVvI.jpg
 
Mcfc_nathan_ said:
Why did Sarah fall off the swings?
Because she's got no arms
Knock knock
Who's there
Not Sarah
Click to expand...

Why didn't Sarah get back on the swing?

She's got no legs.

What did Sarah get for Christmas?

Terminally Ill.
 
The police came to my house last night holding a picture of my wife.
They asked, "is this your wife sir?"
Shocked I answered, "yes"
They said "im afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know but she takes it up the arse and she's great with the kids."
 
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give a thousand American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $1000 and says, "If you don't mind me asking sir, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Unread Posts

Don't have an account? Register now and see fewer ads!

SIGN UP
Back
Top