moonshiner
Well-Known Member
blueinkwell said:
Or the insomniac, dyslexic, agnostic?
He lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
Or the insomniac, dyslexic, agnostic?
He lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Zuriblue
Well-Known Member
A lady walked into a Police Station and the Desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear, then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds like a cricketer to me, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer". “That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "did you figure that out because of his accent?"
"No", she replied, " because he wasn't in very long"
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear, then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds like a cricketer to me, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer". “That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "did you figure that out because of his accent?"
"No", she replied, " because he wasn't in very long"
Zuriblue said:A lady walked into a Police Station and the Desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear, then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds like a cricketer to me, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer". “That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "did you figure that out because of his accent?"
"No", she replied, " because he wasn't in very long"
No No No, on every level NO. I left this thread and went onto the main pages before thinking that I had to come back and leave a comment, and that is NO.
and no I am not Australian.
Ok Ok I laughed.
mammutly
Well-Known Member
Spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge yesterday, or foreplay as she calls it.
ashytheblue
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 16 Jan 2009
- Messages
- 516
Whats got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog!!
Half a dog!!
mscenterh750
Well-Known Member
Farmer goes on his driving test.
Instructor "now then farmer can you make a u-turn ?".
Farmer says "make a u-turn ?, I can make its fucking eyes water !".
Instructor "now then farmer can you make a u-turn ?".
Farmer says "make a u-turn ?, I can make its fucking eyes water !".
the mystery illness
Well-Known Member
mscenterh750 said:Farmer goes on his driving test.
Instructor "now then farmer can you make a u-turn ?".
Farmer says "make a u-turn ?, I can make its fucking eyes water !".
one of bernard mannings bankers
idahoblues
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 27 Mar 2009
- Messages
- 20,237
the heavy breather rings, woman answers.
I bet you have a tight c--- with no hair
woman says `yes, he's watching TV, who shall I say is calling
I bet you have a tight c--- with no hair
woman says `yes, he's watching TV, who shall I say is calling
foetus
Well-Known Member
What's green and sings?
Elvis Parsley
Elvis Parsley
foetus
Well-Known Member
This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions."
The guy bought the bird and took it home.
Next day, the guy was back in the petstore to complain. The bird hadn't said a word.
The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.
Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.
And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his head and said, "You know, sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly purchased the bell.
Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company.
You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead. "What happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet store owner.
"Yep. Right before he died it said, 'What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store any more?'"
The guy bought the bird and took it home.
Next day, the guy was back in the petstore to complain. The bird hadn't said a word.
The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.
Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.
And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his head and said, "You know, sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly purchased the bell.
Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company.
You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead. "What happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet store owner.
"Yep. Right before he died it said, 'What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store any more?'"