Joke thread

[davymcfc]

I saw a message saying protect your vegetable drawers from kids by putting them in a biscuit tin.

My wife was too busy lighting fireworks and didn't see the message.

 

[speccybob]

You are all a bunch of thundercunts

this is not really Manford. You are still all thundercunts though

 

[johnmc]

I Irishman let 3 fireworks. First one lit up the night sky, the second wowed everyone with the height it managed before letting off a huge bang. But the third, after lighting did nothing. The Irishman stood there for 5 minutes and still nothing. So he went over and pick it up, took it in his way and took it home.

During the night he was awoken by a huge thunderclap sound from downstairs. He had only gone and put the dodgy firework in the vegetable draw.

 

[jimharri]

I Irishman let 3 fireworks. First one lit up the night sky, the second wowed everyone with the height it managed before letting off a huge bang. But the third, after lighting did nothing. The Irishman stood there for 5 minutes and still nothing. So he went over and pick it up, took it in his way and took it home.

During the night he was awoken by a huge thunderclap sound from downstairs. He had only gone and put the dodgy firework in the vegetable draw.

In the what?

 

[Ste1969]

I think it should be compulsory for women to wear makeup when driving.


Just so they'll look in the fucking mirror occasionally.

 

[Squelch]

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in both equestrian and boxing events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fucked."

 

[Zubrman]

I Irishman let 3 fireworks. First one lit up the night sky, the second wowed everyone with the height it managed before letting off a huge bang. But the third, after lighting did nothing. The Irishman stood there for 5 minutes and still nothing. So he went over and pick it up, took it in his way and took it home.

During the night he was awoken by a huge thunderclap sound from downstairs. He had only gone and put the dodgy firework in the vegetable draw.

In the what?

I think a vegetable draw is like a meat raffle. For vegetarians, obviously.

 

[crazyg]

I Irishman let 3 fireworks. First one lit up the night sky, the second wowed everyone with the height it managed before letting off a huge bang. But the third, after lighting did nothing. The Irishman stood there for 5 minutes and still nothing. So he went over and pick it up, took it in his way and took it home.

During the night he was awoken by a huge thunderclap sound from downstairs. He had only gone and put the dodgy firework in the vegetable draw.

In the what?

I think a vegetable draw is like a meat raffle. For vegetarians, obviously.

First we get Brian Moore, now our Leslie comes back.

 

[StrangewaysHereWeCome]

Protect your kids from Fireworks by storing them in a biscuit tin ,
Err I dont have a tin big enough

****!!!

A vegetable drawer and a firework walk into a kid.


the biscuit tin had bangers and mash for tea

saw them 2 jokes and made my own up

" protect your kids from fireworks by storing them in a biscuit tin .

wouldn't it be safer to store them in the vegetable drawer , they will never look in there "

....... think mine works better than your two ......... I hope nobody uses mine as I'll be rather upset .................. i may even have a rant.

 

[mscenterh750]

Did you hear about the firework and the battery after a day in court?, one was let off and the other one was charged.....