Joke thread

[hammocity]

Teacher: Today’s word is urinate. Can anyone use that word in a sentence”

Johnny (the class delinquent) raises his hand

Reluctantly the teacher calls on him

“Teacher urinate; but if you had big tits you’d be a 10.”

Teacher asks a class of 7 year olds to discuss the biggest word they know.

Young Johnny (who else) says:

"what about Contagious Miss?"

"Very good Johnny, when did you hear that word and can you describe what it means?"

"Oh yes, my Dad was watching our neighbour dig up his garden and he was using a small wheelbarrow to get rid of the turf, my dad said, it'll take that **** ages to shift that lot"

 

[Lavinda Past]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Murphy says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Murphy.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Murphy pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Murphy's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Murphy looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Murphy falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead..

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

 

[JULES]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Murphy says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Murphy.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Murphy pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Murphy's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Murphy looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Murphy falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead..

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

come on, follow it up with the one about parrot shooting.........

 

[Lavinda Past]

Two Irish lads go skiing...
Paddy says to Mick "is it zig zag or zag zig?"
"I don't know" says Mick "let's ask that fella over der"
"Excuse me pal... is it zig zag or zag zig?"

"I don't know" says the fella, "I'm not a skier, I'm a tobogganist"

"Never mind" says Mick... "I'll just have 20 Benson and Hedges please"

 

[blue44]

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

Fun fact.

If you press the brake pedal and accelerator at the same time, your car takes a screenshot.

 

[bladdered]

 

[roman totale]

Two Irish lads go skiing...
Paddy says to Mick "is it zig zag or zag zig?"
"I don't know" says Mick "let's ask that fella over der"
"Excuse me pal... is it zig zag or zag zig?"

"I don't know" says the fella, "I'm not a skier, I'm a tobogganist"

"Never mind" says Mick... "I'll just have 20 Benson and Hedges please"

My old man’s favourite joke. Back in the 1970s.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My old man’s favourite joke. Back in the 1970s.

It was my favourite joke back in the 1970s too. Your old man had good taste in humour.

Good jokes last for ever.

 

[Big Swifty]

Sean Connery gave up owning dogs after he got fed up with clearing up the mess every time he ordered the dogs to "Sit!"