Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Robinho's Subbuteo]

 

[Lavinda Past]

In a very small village in Canada, a Catholic priest, a rabbi, and a Protestant minister are sitting on a park bench. A bear walks into the village and sits down at the park.

“Looks like that bear is staying around for a while,” says the priest. “Why don’t we have a contest to see which one of us can bring the bear to religion?”

“All right,” says the rabbi. “Let’s meet back here in two weeks and we’ll compare notes.”

“I’m in!” says the minister.

TWO WEEKS LATER>>>

At the appointed time, the minister and the priest show up at the park bench. The rabbi is nowhere to be found.

“Well, said the minister, “I got that bear to attend services every Sunday, and now he’s even teaching Sunday School!”

‘Not bad,” said the priest. “I got him to attend Mass twice a week and he’s starting to learn his catechisms!”

An ambulance pulls up and two orderlies throw open the back door. The rabbi is on a gurney covered in bloody bandages.

“What happened to you?” the priest and the minister exclaim.

“Well, I did get the bear to attend Shabbat, and he was starting to study the Hebrew alphabet. But, I probably should have waited on the circumcision…”

 

[Lavinda Past]

A sailor is on shore leave for the first time in six months and proceeds to get drunk. While staggering down the street, he meets a prostitute who tells him he can have her services for £20. After settling in bed at a nearby hotel, the sailor does his best to show her his prowess as a great lover. After a couple of minutes, he asks her, “Well, babe…how am I doin’?” She slowly answers him, “Well, honey, your doin’ about three knots.” The sailor thinks it’s great that the prostitute knows “sea language” but is confused by what she means by that remark. “Waddaya mean…three knots?” asks the sailor. She then tells him, “Well….it’s knot hard, it’s knot in, …..and you’re KNOT gonna get your twenty quid back!!”

 

[Lavinda Past]

An American is researching his ancestry in Scotland and while walking in Glasgow sees a sign outside a pub.

"A pie, a pint, and a kind word £7"

he walks in and says to the hatchet faced harridan behind the bar

"howdy ma'am, I'd like to take the opportunity of the offer on your sign outside"

wordlessly she pours him a flat pint of tenants, and get a pie from the fly specked heated tray.

"thank you kindly ma'am, " he says... "but what about the kind word"

"don't eat the pie" is the reply.

 

[chris63]

Stood on a grape the other day.
It didn't say anything.

Just let out a little wine.

 

[Lavinda Past]

A catholic priest and a Protestant priest live at opposite ends of the town. Each morning they wave “hello” to each other as they cycle to their churches. One morning, the catholic priest is walking.
The Protestant stops and asks:
“Why are you walking this morning?”
“My bicycle has been stolen. I am sure that one of my congregation has stolen it. But I don’t know how to find out who it is, and get it back”
The Protestant says:
“There is an easy way. Use shame. On Sunday, give a sermon about the Ten Commandments. When you get to “Though shalt not steal”, emphasise it. pause, stare at the congregation. Whoever it was, will be ashamed and return your bicycle”
“Brilliant idea! Thank you!”
On Monday, the Protestant priest is cycling to his church, and the catholic president is back on his bicycle, going to his church.
“Good morning! I see you got your bike back! Did you use my idea?”
“Yes, I gave a sermon like you suggested”
“Great! So when you got to though shalt not steal, you stared them down?”
“Not quite... I got to “though shalt not commit adultery” and I remembered where I had left it!”

 

[fanatic1]

It's 1963 and top agent to the Hollywood stars, Hymie J Schultz, is beavering away in his office. Suddenly the door swings open and a young dark haired man,, dressed in a striped blazer, white trousers and a straw hat, and swinging a cane bursts into a selection of songs from the shows. He then tells some jokes and shaggy dog stories. Hymie is very impressed and says "Pretty good kid. You could go far in this town. Whaddya call yourself?"

He replies "Peenis van Lesbiann". Hymie is horrified and screams "Not in this town kid. You just gotta change it. It just won't fly" The young man is very upset and refuses saying "I'm very proud of my name. I'm a distant relative of the Netherland's royal family and the name Peenis means hard male strength in old Dutch. My mother was a Greek princess born on the isle of Lesbos - hence the name."

They go back and forth on this and the young man angrily stalks out of the office. Hymie calls after him "You stupid pig headed bastard. You could really have gone places in this town."

Two years later Hymie opens his mail and a cheque for $50,000 falls out with a covering letter "Dear Hymie I'm not too proud to apologise for my behaviour and have now taken your advice. I was getting ignored at casting calls and laughed out of auditions. You may remember me as the young aspiring thespian Peenis van Lesbiann. You were 100% right. Yours very sincerely "Dick van Dyke".