Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

After a long battle with leukaemia, and a few failed attempts at suicide, my dyslexic friend finally passed his spelling test.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I'm a bit concerned that I didn't get any upvotes on a story I posted recently about my mate who fractured his spine.

I don't know if you'll remember it...

It was about a week back.

 

[Lavinda Past]

There's a Welsh girl in our village with 38 double d's.

I haven't got a clue how to pronounce her name

 

[hammocity]

My wife's gone to Indonesia
Jakarta?
No, she went by plane

My wife's going
to Provence to see the old papal palace.
Avignon?
No, she's deadly serious

I know this youmg woman from a university in North Wales.
Bangor?
No, we're just good friends,,,,

I'm taking the Mrs to the Southern Hemisphere to Tonga

 

[Lavinda Past]

My wife's gone to Indonesia
Jakarta?
No, she went by plane

My wife's going
to Provence to see the old papal palace.
Avignon?
No, she's deadly serious

I know this youmg woman from a university in North Wales.
Bangor?
No, we're just good friends,,,,

I hear that united are playing in France next week...
Toulouse?
Probably, they're fucking shite.

 

[MillisleBlue]

Two budgies sitting on a perch, one asks the other "can you smell fish?"

 

[Lavinda Past]

I went on holiday and stayed in a four-star hotel.

It was ****.

 

[Ballymagash Blue]

Two Arabs boarded a flight from Washington to New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.Just before take-off a little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs.He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.”“No problem,” said the Israeli, “Stay there, I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spat in it.When the Israeli returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.”Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it too.The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our people…this hatred…this animosity…this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

 

[Lavinda Past]

A dating agency set my mate up on a first date. When he arrived, she turned out to be anorexic with red hair.

He got a call from the agency the next day asking how the date had gone.

He said she was a perfect match.

 

[sir baconface]

There's a Welsh girl in our village with 38 double d's.

I haven't got a clue how to pronounce her name

Bangor?