Joke thread

[Hertzblue]

 

[Lavinda Past]

Liverpool police stopped a car and were amazed to find it taxed, full MOT & insured.

It wasn't stolen, there were no stolen goods or drugs.

The driver was sober & had a full clean licence...

A police spokesman said,
"We had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time!"

 

[Lavinda Past]

Before going away, the neighbours gave me a spare key to feed their cat.

Poor thing choked to death on it.

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

 

[Lavinda Past]

A man on business trip entered a hotel where he intended to stay for a few nights.

Before he checked in he noticed a very beautiful young woman smiling at him.

Going over to make small talk, he ended up going with her to the desk, and to avoid gossip, announced that she was his wife and that they wanted to get a premium suite.

After a couple of nights together, she left while he stayed over one more night. When he went to check out, he was handed a bill for $11,658.

“There must be some mistake,” he complained, “I’ve only been here for three nights.” “That’s true,” the clerk explained, “but your wife has been here for two months.”

 

[kippaxneil]

A hundred years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned!

 

[hammocity]

A friend of mine is an archaeologist.
He once found an old tampon but didn't know from which period.....

Not a joke but a true story from an old very crude friend of mine, Greggsy. We were on a lads holiday and as always late at night the subject was sex (yes young uns, us FOC's were just the same as you, sex wasn't invented by your generation).

Anyway, Greggsy's tale, not verbatim obviously:

"I met this girl in a club in Ashton, went back to her place, got down to the nitty gritty, thought I'd get down and get with it so south I go, thought there was a bit of something unusual down there, came back up for oxygen, feeling like something wasn't right. Went to the bathroom and realised the girl had obviously reached a different part of the month"

The punchline which had us all pissing our sides like a bunch of hyenas (bear in mind we were bladdered):

" I looked like Mr Ribena Head"

Sorry if I've put you off your red wine or rum and coke.

 

[Grassland Blue]

Not a joke but a true story from an old very crude friend of mine, Greggsy. We were on a lads holiday and as always late at night the subject was sex (yes young uns, us FOC's were just the same as you, sex wasn't invented by your generation).

Anyway, Greggsy's tale, not verbatim obviously:

"I met this girl in a club in Ashton, went back to her place, got down to the nitty gritty, thought I'd get down and get with it so south I go, thought there was a bit of something unusual down there, came back up for oxygen, feeling like something wasn't right. Went to the bathroom and realised the girl had obviously reached a different part of the month"

The punchline which had us all pissing our sides like a bunch of hyenas (bear in mind we were bladdered):

" I looked like Mr Ribena Head"

Sorry if I've put you off your red wine or rum and coke.

That's funný.

P.S. You know the rules LoL.

 

[Bill Walker]

What do all the Smith's in the telephone book have in common?






They all have telephones