One day, I’ll bore you with the details of the political party I intend to found. And that’s a threat.
Joke thread
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Not jokes but so so funny
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Watch to the end it gets better and more painful | By Nigel | Facebook
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Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
I spent three years working alongside MPs in Westminster. I swore never to vote again in any election after that, and I ignore politics wherever possible.
The only funny thing about politics is the way they all leave their bikes outside.
I have voted in every election, local, national, euro, referendum for over 50 years. Not bothering this time.
By far the best of its type I’ve ever seen. Very funny.Not jokes but so so funny
Watch to the end it gets better and more painful | By Nigel | Facebook
Watch to the end it gets better and more painful
Robinho's Subbuteo
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Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"
"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I may have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord."
So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"
"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I may have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord."
So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window,
jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my arse.........
It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window,
jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my arse.........
It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.
Jane then explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?
"Check for squirrel." he responds
"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.
Jane then explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?
"Check for squirrel." he responds
jimharri
Moderator
As Bullet Tooth Tony said in "Snatch"; never underestimate the predictability of stupidity. Definitely some potential Darwin award candidates in that lot.Not jokes but so so funny
Watch to the end it gets better and more painful | By Nigel | Facebook
Watch to the end it gets better and more painful