Bill Walker
Well-Known Member
Hah good yoke
Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
sir baconface
Well-Known Member
Racist bastard.
Bigg Bigg Blue
Well-Known Member
You forgot the smiley face ( I hope )
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
The year is 2032 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?"
Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20th, Sarah Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"
The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."
Her mom flushes with pride and says: "Her brother is a doctor."
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?"
Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20th, Sarah Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"
The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."
Her mom flushes with pride and says: "Her brother is a doctor."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A prospective candidate is being interviewed for a job.
"What would be your main strength?" asks the interviewer.
"Well," replies the applicant, "I can communicate with animals."
"Wow," says the interviewer, "That's impressive. Any weaknesses?"
"I suppose I do," says the applicant, "They can't understand me."
"What would be your main strength?" asks the interviewer.
"Well," replies the applicant, "I can communicate with animals."
"Wow," says the interviewer, "That's impressive. Any weaknesses?"
"I suppose I do," says the applicant, "They can't understand me."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A doctor develops a theory to determine how truthful patients are when asked about their sex life.
According to the theory, **the wider the smile** is, the more frequent the intercourse.
To put his theory into practice, he invites some of his patients into the practice.
**He goes up to the first one, asks him a few questions and, seeing the smile, asks:**
You're together once a week, aren't you?
Yes, doctor!
**He goes to the second one, the grin is wider, so he says:**
You and your wife are together every two days?
Yes. It's amazing how you figured that out!
**The doctor goes over to the guy at the end of the row with his mouth up to his ears.**
Wow, you guys have sex every day?
No, doctor.
Every two days?
No.
Monthly?
No.
Every year?
Yes, one night a year.
Then why are you grinning like that?
Because tonight is the NIGHT!
According to the theory, **the wider the smile** is, the more frequent the intercourse.
To put his theory into practice, he invites some of his patients into the practice.
**He goes up to the first one, asks him a few questions and, seeing the smile, asks:**
You're together once a week, aren't you?
Yes, doctor!
**He goes to the second one, the grin is wider, so he says:**
You and your wife are together every two days?
Yes. It's amazing how you figured that out!
**The doctor goes over to the guy at the end of the row with his mouth up to his ears.**
Wow, you guys have sex every day?
No, doctor.
Every two days?
No.
Monthly?
No.
Every year?
Yes, one night a year.
Then why are you grinning like that?
Because tonight is the NIGHT!
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
I had an accident opening a can of alphabet pasta.
Fortunately I wasn't injured, but it could have spelled disaster.
Fortunately I wasn't injured, but it could have spelled disaster.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
MCFC Wirral
Well-Known Member
Schmeichel Jackson
The mind boggles. Who would use damaged jonnies?