Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

Dave took his wife Sheila and her sister Mandy away for a weekend in their caravan.

"Any chance of a blow job?" Dave whispered to his wife when they were in bed.

"For fuck's sake, Dave!" she hissed, "Mandy's in the bed over there!"

"Good point," he said... "Mandy? Any chance of a blow job?"

 

[Lavinda Past]

Many years ago, an Arab sat in a tent and said, "I just invented the number zero!"

His friend said to him, "Huh? What's that?"

The first man says, "Oh, nothing."

 

[bluethrunthru]

YEEESSSSSS

 

[Lavinda Past]

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America and really wanted to see a baseball game, so he sneaked across the border.

When he got to the baseball stadium, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to be able to look over the wall.

When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"America is nicest, friendliest, most welcoming place in the world!!" he said.

"Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

 

[Lavinda Past]

My wife and I were looking in an estate agent's window.

The estate agent came outside and asked us if we were considering moving houses.

I said, "No, we don't like caravans."

 

[Lavinda Past]

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress.

One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so boring, we never have any fun anymore. For £5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a £5.00 note. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show.

Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and whistling.

The naked and smiling old lady then came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

She replied, "I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate's wife is a musician who rotates playing her lute, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I was in a team at a pub quiz the other night. We would have won but for my poor knowledge of Greek mythology...

It's always been my Achilles' elbow.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I went to the restaurant at the Shard in London the other day. I got a lift to the top floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

"Maybe not" he said, "but it was me who brought you up, wasn't it?"

 

[Lavinda Past]

Before my operation, the anaesthesiologist asked if I wanted to be knocked out via gas or boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.