Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

“What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously.

“What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.

“I get home... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable!

“The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!”

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation… She never got your email!”

 

[Lavinda Past]

A man and his wife moved back home to County Cork, from London.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £250.00 a year!

When they arrived in Bailieborough, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £250.00 in England!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: ‘Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.'

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[kippaxneil]

Strange....just been to my Dad's allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens....

 

[mrcunny]

 

[Lavinda Past]

My lad was a picky eater as a kid. When we had alphabet soup, we noticed that he was only eating the vowels.

When we asked why, he said “sometimes”

 

[Lavinda Past]

I was at a party when a bloke walked in and shouted... "I'm the world's best architect!"

I thought, bloody hell, he knows how to make an entrance.

 

[Lavinda Past]

A bloke is driving along a country lane when he sees a gypsy caravan on the side of the road with a sign saying, "readings £10 per person".

He pulls over thinking this could be interesting, and enters the caravan.

The old gypsy woman immediately grabs his hands, looks at them for a couple of seconds, and stares into the man's eyes.

She says, "Thriller, Pretty Woman, When Doves Cry , Stairway to Heaven."

"Wow", said the man, "that's amazing... they are my alll time favourite songs!"

Impressed, he says to her, "can you tell me my future?"

"I'm sorry" says the gypsy, "I am just a four tune teller"

 

[Lavinda Past]

I went on holiday staying in a static caravan

Every time I put my key in the door, my hair stood up.

 

[Lavinda Past]

A group of settlers were on the Oregon Trail

Their Indian guide repeatedly amazed them with his ability to find game and avoid hostile tribes.

One day, he reigned in his horse and jumped down and put his head to the ground.

“Buffalo come,” was all he said.

“How can you know that?” Asked one of the amazed settlers.

He looked up and replied “ear sticky.”