Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.

When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me... is this yours?"

The ignorant bastard just ignored me.

 

[Uwe Already]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, I didn't buy her anything.

When she asked me why, I told her "You still haven't used the present I bought you last year!"

 

[bluetonium]

In honour of James Earl Jones...

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman, "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites tarm Methodists are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.

The second Irishman says "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi, when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the poor girls must have died."

 

[JASR]

View attachment 131282

Got my son with that, the last time it was posted. :-)

 

[Lavinda Past]

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment

"We have already appointed a nanny who is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers were finally satisfied and asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter ... as long as they fit in the cannon."

 

[Lavinda Past]

Two monkeys are in a bath.

One says “ooh ooh ooh ahh ahh ahh”

The other responds “put some cold water in then!”

 

[Lavinda Past]

Little known fact...

Hitler had a secret army made up of of Nazi midgets.

They were called The 1/3 Reich

 

[mrcunny]

 

[Lavinda Past]

An woman's car breaks down on the side of a remote road late one night.

A tow truck passes by and stops to give some assistance.

The woman tells the tow truck driver, "Thank you so much for stopping. My phone is dead and I'm stranded. I'll do anything for some help."

The driver replies, "No problem at all, ma'am. I'm happy to help."

The woman reiterates, "I don't have any money on me but I'll do anything you'd like. Just please help me get back home."

The driver tells her, " Don't wory, just sit right there in the car and I'll get you taken care of."

He begins hooking up the car to his tow truck.

A few minutes later the driver walks back to the woman in the car and asks, "have you ever been towed before?"

The woman says, "No, but I've been fingered a few times."