Joke thread

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a maths test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Ave you gotta no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' '

Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree.

So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?
 
A teenage immigrant boy comes home from his new school.

His mother asks him "How were your classes today?"

"Today we had sex education mama"

Shocked his mother replies. "What?! You go to your room and wait till your father comes home. He's going to have stern words with you."

When the father comes home and learns about his sons class he says to his wife... "This isn't the old country, people are more liberal here, don't worry. This should be good for him."

Feeling bad she goes upstairs to apologise and finds him vigorously masturbating.

The mother says. "Luigi, when you finish your homework I want to have a word with you.
 
A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to her. Her hands began to shake and her throat felt like a desert as she barely managed to croak out the question on her mind.

“Will I be acquitted?”
 
A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for £1000 and the tiny ones for £10."

Husband: "What about one my size?"

Wife: "that size didn't even get a bid!"

Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd had a dream too: "I was at an auction for pussies. The really tight ones sold for £1000 and the loose ones for £10."

Wife: "What about ones like mine?"

Husband: "That's where they held the auction."
 

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