Joke thread

[RadcliffeRick]

When we were in Spain, there were too many Spaniards. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us there would be so many foreigners."

 

[Vienna_70]

My wife has left me for the milkman!



Seeing them drive away together on his milk float was the worst two hours of my life.

My Dad always thought that I looked like the milkman.


























But he was a dairy farmer.

 

[Vienna_70]

Old but still funny... Genuine Thomas Cook holiday complaints... Enjoy!


"They shouldn't allow topless on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband, who just wanted to relax."

"While on vacation in Goa, India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

"We went on vacation to Spain and had trouble with the taxi drivers because they were all Spanish."

"We booked a trip to a water park, but no one told us we had to bring our own bathing suits and towels. We thought they were included in the price."

"The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything up when we got back to our room."

"We found out that the sand was not what was shown in the brochure. The brochure said the sand was white, but in reality it was more yellow."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoon. I often needed to buy something during the 'siesta'—this should be banned."

"No one told us there would be fish in the water. The kids got scared."

"Even though the brochure said the kitchen was fully equipped, there was no egg slicer in the drawers."

"I think the brochure should state that the local shop does not sell real cookies like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we couldn't read the local guidebook on the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we missed out on a lot of things that would have made our vacation more fun."

"It took us nine hours to fly from Jamaica to England. It took Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

"I compared our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom suites, and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure said, 'No hairdressers on the resort.' We are apprentice hairdressers and we think they knew this and made us wait longer for the service."

"When we were in Spain, there were too many Spaniards. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us there would be so many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside to get the boat, and there was no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to warn us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

"My fiancé and I requested separate beds when we booked, but they put us in a room with a double bed. We are now holding you responsible and demanding a refund because I got pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room we booked."

The best one is the flights from Jamaica, though some of the others are crackers too.

 

[balotellishaircut]

What borders on stupidity ?

Mexico and Canada

 

[dronefromsector7G]

 

[Lavinda Past]

A man arrived at a certain restaurant at dinner time. The waiter, diligently, offered him the menu, but the customer refused it. He took the cutlery that was on the table - spoon, knife and fork, brought them to his nose and sniffed them for a moment. Then he said to the surprised waiter:

"For lunch you served chicken broth, pork tenderloin in apple sauce, and rice pudding for dessert. I would like to have the same for dinner."

The waiter went to the kitchen and said angrily to the woman in charge of washing the dishes and cutlery:

"It's your fault that I've just been very embarrassed, Cuca. A man came, and just by smelling the spoon, the knife and the fork he knew what we served at today's meal. That means you're not washing the cutlery properly."

"Of course I'm washing them well," she replied. "But anyway, it's a matter of washing them even better."

The next night the customer came again. The waiter, in a hurry, presented him with the already opened menu, but the gentleman refused to look at it anyway. He took the cutlery again, smelled it and then said with a confident tone:

"For lunch today there was leek and potato soup, meatballs in chipotle sauce, and peaches in syrup for dessert. I want that same thing for my dinner."

There goes the waiter to the kitchen.

"Cuca!" he angrily told the woman. "You didn't pay attention to what I told you. That man came back; he smelled the cutlery and knew what we had for lunch that day, a sign that it wasn't washed properly. Why don't you pay more attention?"

She said, annoyed: "I remembered what you told me, and I washed the cutlery very well. I even used two detergents. But tomorrow I will wash them even better, in case the customer comes back."

The next day, punctually like an English train, the man arrived again. The waiter practically shoved the menu in his face. The same thing happened as on the previous occasions: the gentleman put the menu aside, took the cutlery, sniffed it and said immediately:

"Now they served tlalpeño broth, roasted lamb ribs, and jericalla for dessert. Bring me the same."

The waiter went into the kitchen in a rage. "Cuca, Cuca!" he exclaimed. "You're not doing your job properly, and I'm the one who's embarrassed out there! The man came for the third time, and just by smelling the cutlery he guessed again what we had for dinner. You're not washing them properly!"

Cuca responded furiously: "You and that guy have had enough of me! I'm washing the cutlery thoroughly, and I'm not going to tolerate this situation any longer. Look: if that man comes again tomorrow, let me know when you see him arrive. You'll see what I'm going to do to him." The waiter was frightened. He didn't want to even imagine what Cuca was going to do.

The next day, when she saw through the window that the customer was arriving at the restaurant, she hurried to the kitchen and said to Cuca: "Here comes that gentleman." The woman then took some cutlery, and without paying attention to the frightened waiter's presence, she wiped it betweenher sweaty arse cheeks. She then went to the table where the gentleman usually sat and placed it on it. The waiter, stunned, did not know how to react.

The customer came in and took his place. The waiter, desperate, put the menu in front of his eyes. Once again, the gentleman threw away the menu, took those cutlery, and to the horror of the waiter, he brought them to his nose and sniffed them. For a moment he thought. He sniffed them again, and then asked the waiter:

"Excuse me, does Cuca work here?"

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

A gorgeous woman waved to me at the beach, but there was no way I was going to swim out that far to talk with her.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My wife wanted to see Fifty Shades of Gray...

...so I dropped her off at the nursing home

 

[Lavinda Past]

A lot of women say their husbands never listen to them.

I'm proud to say i've never heard my wife say something like that.