Joke thread

[Wio Gumflapdinand]

I asked my friend "What's your favourite flavour of crisps?"
He said "Sage and Onion"
I said "Genonion."

Can't believe I like this one but I do

 

[TangerineSteve17]

I went into a pet shop and asked the assistant "Have you got any dogs going cheap?
He replied, "Sorry sir all ours go woof."

I just had a shave with a Bic. It was a daft idea, my face is covered in ink now.

I love watching videos of calm lakes and flowing rivers on the internet. In fact I'm watching a live stream right now.

 

[moonshiner]

I don't like Russian Dolls. So full of themselves.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

My dad drank himself to death...he fell asleep in the bath.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

Hey I've just noticed that Ant and Dec are both named after insects. Well, apart from Dec.

 

[Mikeyc1986]

A drunk walks into a bar with jump leads around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything

 

[TangerineSteve17]

My wife asked me a crossword clue. I thought about it for a few minutes, then she said "Well? have you got an inkling?"
I said "You can't use my baby fountain pen"

 

[Zin 'messiah' Zimmer]

Arsenal won the cup

Pissing my sides!!!

 

[foetus]

I dreamt I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

Thanks and good night.

 

[StrangewaysHereWeCome]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my uncle Brad.

Not agonisingly in the gas chamber like the loony burglar who stabbed him 37 times did.