Joke thread

[Sam101]

That's the last time I go shopping at Debenhams in Yorkshire - I asked one of the staff where I could find the towels and was given directions to a bird sanctuary.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Waiter: Today there’s badger soup, followed by roast badger and then badger mousse.
Me: Isn’t there anything other than badger?
Waiter: No, sir, it’s a sett menu.

Quality approved 10/10

 

[Lavinda Past]

I tried to make a hawaiian pizza today, but I burned it.

Should have used Aloha temperature.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I made a pair of pants out of spider web silk.

They're really comfortable, but the fly keeps getting stuck.

 

[Lavinda Past]

An old mate of mine quit drugs a few years ago and took up mountain climbing.

I asked him "What is the highest you’ve ever been?"

He said he once had a 20 minute conversation with a microwave.

 

[Lavinda Past]

A recently married couple went out for drinks with their neighbours, a middle-aged couple who had been married for twenty years.

Having knocked back a few, the older husband turned to the newlyweds and said with a wink: "I bet you two are like a couple of rabbits in the bedroom."

The newlyweds laughed awkwardly at this and then the young husband asked. “Well, what kind of bedroom animals are you two then?"

The older husband screwed up his face, thought, about it for a moment, then replied wryly, “Don't know about me, but Margaret here would have to be a camel – she can go for weeks and weeks without sex."

Without missing a beat, Margaret replied, “That's funny because I was thinking George here would be a camel too – two humps and it's over."

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate found out that his wife had a Tinder account, so he created a fake account and got in touch with her.

Imagine his shock when he found out he'd died 6 months earlier.

 

[Sam101]

I'm in dispute with Sky at the minute as they're trying to charge me for my satellite dish.


I'm sure they told me it would be on the house. .