Joke thread

[TinFoilHat]

Why does the church provide baptisms?

Even priests have to wash their sex toys.

 

[Vienna_70]

My tutor at art college tried to discourage me from making a bust in iron,

but I decided to forge a head anyway.

You aren’t getting any better, are you?

 

[bonespost]

 

[kippaxneil]

Lot's of people seem to be getting flu viruses at the moment..not good, especially at Christmas time.
Many years ago, I had a mild form of bird flu. It was pretty awful. But it's all relative isn't it?
If I had rabies and you offered me bird flu, I'd bite your hand off!

 

[sir baconface]

 

[Lavinda Past]

I bought our two-year-old daughter her first jigsaw for Christmas but, typically, the wife went fucking mental.

Some bollocks about "...too young for power tools."


A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly starts crying.

“My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with an alsatian, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

 

[Lavinda Past]

Worst place I ever worked was a factory making prosthetic testicles

I got the sack for saying that the place was sham bollock

 

[Lavinda Past]

I won some tickets for a 'secret gig' and the band turned out to be Placebo

I was hoping it would be The Cure.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Someone stole my mood ring today and I don't know how I feel about it.


My wife has just told me she thinks we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her, "I think you mean fewer".


Someone broke into my warehouse and stole all my adding machines

My losses are incalculable.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate played golf on Christmas day and hit a birdie

It was a partridge on a par 3