Joke thread

[ancoats]

Bloke stood watching his missis get dressed, getting ready to go out.

"Do you know," she tells him, "I bought this nearly thirty years ago, and it still fits me now."
"beat that"

so I went into my draw pulled out a 1969 man city league champions scarf and but that on

If you know your 'istry.

He's one of those Johnny come lately gloryhunter types. Can't even get one of our most important landmark years correct FFS.

nope they was on sale before the end season in 1969 we was running away with the league with 5 games to go and fred done paid out saying first past the post nothing was going to happen

 

[dronefromsector7g]

Just bought the Fritzl family advent calendar

It's got no windows

Just bought a Himalayan advent calendar

The Everest window is double glazed

just bought a shit computer advent calendar
the windows keep crashing

Had a bar fight with Floella Benjamin

I asked if she wanted me to throw her through the round window

 

[Zuriblue]

Two horses in the winners' enclosure at Ascot are talking at the end of the day about the races they've just won. First one says,

"You never lose that amazing feeling do you? The jockey on his feet in the stirrups, you're racing away and can see nothing but the line in front of you, and as you bolt through, the crowd are cheering and chanting your name!"

The other replies,

"It's just incredible. That was my first win at Ascot, and my owner and his wife couldn't stop hugging me, the crowd all patting me and the champagne corks popping. Outstanding!"

A greyhound is walking past, stops and says,

"You know, guys, I can fully sympathise with you both there. I won my tenth race at White City last week and I'm still buzzing from it. It never ceases to thrill you, I can assure you!"

The horses look at each other and one says,

"Fuck me, a talking dog!"

 

[Esteban de la Sexface]

A horse walks into a bar. "Why the long face?" asks the barman. The horse, unable to speak English, shits on the floor and leaves.

 

[Esteban de la Sexface]

what do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?



an irrelephant

 

[Lavinda Past]

A horse walks into a bar. "Why the long face?" asks the barman. The horse, unable to speak English, shits on the floor and leaves.

Were the leaves on the floor?

 

[Esteban de la Sexface]

A horse walks into a bar. "Why the long face?" asks the barman. The horse, unable to speak English, shits on the floor and leaves.

Were the leaves on the floor?

have you ever seen a horse take a shit? It generally falls downwards because of a thing called gravity. so yes, yes they were.

 

[Lavinda Past]

A horse walks into a bar. "Why the long face?" asks the barman. The horse, unable to speak English, shits on the floor and leaves.

Were the leaves on the floor?

have you ever seen a horse take a shit? It generally falls downwards because of a thing called gravity. so yes, yes they were.

The barman obviously didn't sweep up properly. Health and Safety.

 

[Esteban de la Sexface]

Were the leaves on the floor?

have you ever seen a horse take a shit? It generally falls downwards because of a thing called gravity. so yes, yes they were.

The barman obviously didn't sweep up properly. Health and Safety.

the bar was outside, in Autumn. The horse got in through the gate of the garden. Tough crowd

 

[Lavinda Past]

have you ever seen a horse take a shit? It generally falls downwards because of a thing called gravity. so yes, yes they were.

The barman obviously didn't sweep up properly. Health and Safety.

the bar was outside, in Autumn. The horse got in through the gate of the garden. Tough crowd

:-)