Joke thread

[jimharri]

A man is out driving one day when suddenly he almost loses control of the car. He brakes hard and manages to stop the car without crashing. When he gets out he discovers the front wheel has come off. The four wheel nuts had worked loose and come off. Wondering what he's going to do next he notices he's stopped outside a mental hospital. A patient comes up to the fence and starts to talk to the man. The man explains what happened but says that the four nuts are lost and can't refit the wheel as a result.
''Rubbish'', replies the mental patient, ''just take one nut off each of the other three wheels, jack up the car and refit the front wheel with the nuts.''
''Jesus, I'd never have thought of that. You're a genius. You shouldn't be in a mental home at all.''
''Well'', the patient replies; ''I might be mad but I'm not stupid.''

 

[Wio Gumflapdinand]

Health officials in Kerry, Ireland have confirmed that they have discovered the first death in the country of ebola..Peter O Toole from Kilarney was killed earlier today after ebola fruit fell from a shelf on to his head

Coat, hat, taxi....gone

 

[TangerineSteve17]

A man is out driving one day when suddenly he almost loses control of the car. He brakes hard and manages to stop the car without crashing. When he gets out he discovers the front wheel has come off. The four wheel nuts had worked loose and come off. Wondering what he's going to do next he notices he's stopped outside a mental hospital. A patient comes up to the fence and starts to talk to the man. The man explains what happened but says that the four nuts are lost and can't refit the wheel as a result.
''Rubbish'', replies the mental patient, ''just take one nut off each of the other three wheels, jack up the car and refit the front wheel with the nuts.''
''Jesus, I'd never have thought of that. You're a genius. You shouldn't be in a mental home at all.''
''Well'', the patient replies; ''I might be mad but I'm not stupid.''

Finally I can say 'I don't get it' about someone else's joke.

 

[aguero93:20]

Health officials in Kerry, Ireland have confirmed that they have discovered the first death in the country of ebola..Peter O Toole from Kilarney was killed earlier today after ebola fruit fell from a shelf on to his head

Coat, hat, taxi....gone

No Taxi for you, you walk.

 

[Ste1969]

Flogging Off

The last wank before you switch off the computer

 

[hackneyslim]

A man is out driving one day when suddenly he almost loses control of the car. He brakes hard and manages to stop the car without crashing. When he gets out he discovers the front wheel has come off. The four wheel nuts had worked loose and come off. Wondering what he's going to do next he notices he's stopped outside a mental hospital. A patient comes up to the fence and starts to talk to the man. The man explains what happened but says that the four nuts are lost and can't refit the wheel as a result.
''Rubbish'', replies the mental patient, ''just take one nut off each of the other three wheels, jack up the car and refit the front wheel with the nuts.''
''Jesus, I'd never have thought of that. You're a genius. You shouldn't be in a mental home at all.''
''Well'', the patient replies; ''I might be mad but I'm not stupid.''

Finally I can say 'I don't get it' about someone else's joke.

Now you know how I've been feeling for the last 300 f****** pages thanks to you.

 

[bucks]

just got back from Spain with a new tool for my old Vauxhall. It's a Viva Espanner

 

[TFC]

I saw a man with a head that was a giant orange while out eating at a fancy restaurant the other night. He was dining with the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen. I could not help but stop by his table and ask how he got that giant orange head.

"I found a magic lamp and upon rubbing it emerged a genie, telling me I had three wishes," he said. "My first wish was for unimaginable riches which is why I only eat out and only at fancy restaurants. My second was for the companionship of the most beautiful women the world has ever seen and here they sit. The third was....and maybe I didn't think this one through....I wished for a giant, orange head."

 

[sixlashes]

what do call a bloke hiding in the bushes




















russell

 

[TangerineSteve17]

I was at a fruit and veg stall.
I said to the grocer "Can I have some strawberries please?"
He said "Certainly...punnet?"
I said "Ok, If I were to take them without paying would that be classed as strobbery?" I don't know why but he gave me such a strange look!

I was on Mastermind last week. I was the lowest scorer in history. Only managed to get 2 points! :(
I even remember the questions I got right, it was;
"In examinations, when a student has achieved a grade C or above, it is labelled as a..what?" and
"In sport, what term is used when a player receives the ball from a teammate?"

Right, now I'm not being funny or anything, but you better laugh at this joke. <------------ joke