Joke thread

[TangerineSteve17]

Not sure about that Bbb :/

Just been in to have a tooth pulled out, but when I left I discovered that someone must've hit my car and drove off. Now I like my oral surgeon, but I can't stand dentists!

I hate tautologies. But they are what they are.

My girlfriend thinks i'm useless at being a man. She said "Bet you can't put this picture up on the wall.
Needless to say, I nailed it.

I was in a pub when this little guy came up to me and said "Listen, I want to impress my girlfriend. I'll pay you £4.50 if you pretend to be knocked out when I hit you in the face."
I said "I'm not falling for that."

 

[tshirtman]

Have you heard about the new strain of cannabis called 'Malaysian Airlines'
once you've smoked it you're fuckin gone.

 

[BlueBearBoots]

Not sure about that Bbb :/

Just been in to have a tooth pulled out, but when I left I discovered that someone must've hit my car and drove off. Now I like my oral surgeon, but I can't stand dentists!

I hate tautologies. But they are what they are.

My girlfriend thinks i'm useless at being a man. She said "Bet you can't put this picture up on the wall.
Needless to say, I nailed it.

I was in a pub when this little guy came up to me and said "Listen, I want to impress my girlfriend. I'll pay you £4.50 if you pretend to be knocked out when I hit you in the face."
I said "I'm not falling for that."

See good! But I did have to read the first one 4 times before the Ping!! But that's just me :/

 

[Ste1969]

"You swallowed my load with that blowjob when I was driving , you've never done that in the bedroom, " I said to my wife,

"We don't have fucking speed humps in the bedroom, " she replied.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

I was in my basement when an earthquake hit. It caused a huge crack right between my feet. It was deeply unsettling.

My 5 yr old son said "Dad is there an easy way to tie my shoe laces?"
I said "Yes son but it's frowned upon. I had the same trouble when I was your age, but I managed to find a secret loophole.

In our family we have a strange system. On certain days we only do certain things. Like on one day we only eat bubble gum, another where we watch the T.V show QI continuously, and there's a day where we're not aloud to stand up. It's Tuesday, Friday, and Satday.

I said to my mate "I wonder if someone could work out who has scored the most premier league own goals for us?"
He said "I don't think it can be done."
I said "I think it can, in fact, Richard is who my money's on."

They say that eating fish is good for your memory. Now that's food for thought.

Saw a movie last night about a community support officer. Wasn't much cop.

God they are truly terrible I admit.

 

[IH8MUFC]

My wife came home from the shops today and I said to her, "Your mother turned up while you were out."

"Well I hope you've made her feel at home." she said.

"Of course I have," I replied, "I stuck her straight in the car and drove her back to her fucking house."

That got a laugh from me

 

[Paulpowersleftfoot]

This guy brings his best mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade...

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a shit top and the dishes aren't done.

Can't you see I'm still in my bloody pyjamas and I really can't be arsed cooking tonight!

Why the fuck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"




"Because he's thinking of getting married."

 

[yeah whatever !!]

Conjunctivitis.com................................ Its a site for sore eyes

Ive just got back from a once in a lifetime holiday.................never again.

Not saying my last girlfriend was rough, but when she started crying cos she lost a tooth biting on a stick of rock I said not to worry- you've still got two left.

 

[Blue Mist]

The best joke at Edinburgh fringe was -

"I decided to sell my Hoover... well it was just collecting dust."

our very own TangerineSteve can do better than that!!

no he flamin' well can't.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

Doesn't stop me trying BlueMist.

It was the day before an 8 mile running race me and my mate entered.
I said to him "Do you fancy doing a dry run?"
He said "Yeah no sweat."

Had a massive row with the wife earlier, and when we finally got ashore we started arguing.

I decided to wind up my arrogant son.
I said "What's the opposite of clever?"
He looked at me petulantly and said "Dad. This is stupid."
I said "Correct well done. What's the opposite of go?"
He shouted "Stop!...for Christ's sake."
I said "Wait, just one more. What's the opposite of right?"
He shouted "Left!"
I said "Wrong you little shit."

Have you ever tried to carry a flat car tyre when you've had to change a spare?
It's unwieldy.