Joke thread

A man goes into a pub one wet and windy night and says to the barmaid "Hello love...tickle your arse with a feather?" She says "I beg your pardon?"
He replies "I said 'particularly nasty weather' '" She says "Oh, yes, you're right."

A drunk sitting nearby watches this scenario being played out and thinks "That's bloody hilarious. I'll go out and try it on the barmaid at the pub over the road." So off he goes over to the other pub and says to the barmaid "Hello love...tickle your arse with a feather?" She says "I beg your pardon?"

The drunk replies "It's fucking pissing down outside...."
 
BackofJeanette said:
A bloke walks into a restaurant fancying some calimari.
The waiter points to a fish tank and says: "we only have one squid left. The rare wild mustached green squid."
"That'll be fine" says the bloke. "Get it chopped up quick".
"Excellent choice sir. I shall summon, Gervais, our French chef."
The chef comes out, knife in hand and grabs the squid from the tank, he holds the knife up, but the squid looks at him with puppy dog eyes and whimpers.
"Pardone, Monsieur" says the chef. "I just don't have the heart to do it".
"Begone!" Shouts the waiter. "I shall summon Hans, our Bavarian pot washer. He is made of sterner stuff."
Hans appears and takes the knife in his hand, but again the squid whimpers and a tear rolls down its face and drips from its mustache.
"Gott in Himmel" says the pot washer. "Bitte, mein herr, I cannot bring myself to do it".
"I'm so sorry sir" says the waiter. "I can't believe we employ such great jessies here".
"Never mind" says the bloke.
"I guess Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid".
Click to expand...
im having that ha ha
 
Bloke goes to a fancy dress party wearing only his Y-Fronts. Doorman says "Who are you supposed to be"
Party bloke replies "Premature Ejaculation"
Doorman "Eh?"
Bloke "I've just come in my underpants"
 
BackofJeanette said:
A bloke walks into a restaurant fancying some calimari.
The waiter points to a fish tank and says: "we only have one squid left. The rare wild mustached green squid."
"That'll be fine" says the bloke. "Get it chopped up quick".
"Excellent choice sir. I shall summon, Gervais, our French chef."
The chef comes out, knife in hand and grabs the squid from the tank, he holds the knife up, but the squid looks at him with puppy dog eyes and whimpers.
"Pardone, Monsieur" says the chef. "I just don't have the heart to do it".
"Begone!" Shouts the waiter. "I shall summon Hans, our Bavarian pot washer. He is made of sterner stuff."
Hans appears and takes the knife in his hand, but again the squid whimpers and a tear rolls down its face and drips from its mustache.
"Gott in Himmel" says the pot washer. "Bitte, mein herr, I cannot bring myself to do it".
"I'm so sorry sir" says the waiter. "I can't believe we employ such great jessies here".
"Never mind" says the bloke.
"I guess Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid".
Click to expand...
Genius.....
 
A mad professor crossed an Oxo cube with a Hyena - Made himself a laughing stock.

My Mother-in-Law won first prize at Crufts - The dog came second.

Russian scientist bragging the USSR was first nation in space.
Yank scientist bragging the USA was first nation to the Moon.
Irish scientists announces they will be first to the Sun
Yank & Russian both say "You can't do that, the rocket will burn up"
Irish scientist "No, not if we go at night"
- (Old Dave Allen Joke,)
 
A camper who collected water in a leather gourd was dismayed one day to find a rip in it, so he threw it away in the river where he collected his water.

Downstream, a short-sighted otter, mistaking it for a female otter, dragged it ashore and started making passionate love to it.

Just goes to prove the old saying "One gourd, torn, deceives an otter"..............

.........
 
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