Ste1969
Well-Known Member
What is the difference between Fosters beer and a clitoris?
A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
BlueBearBoots
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 15 Jan 2009
- Messages
- 11,789
TangerineSteve17 said:I was at a fruit and veg stall.
I said to the grocer "Can I have some strawberries please?"
He said "Certainly...punnet?"
I said "Ok, If I were to take them without paying would that be classed as strobbery?" I don't know why but he gave me such a strange look!
I was on Mastermind last week. I was the lowest scorer in history. Only managed to get 2 points! :(
I even remember the questions I got right, it was;
"In examinations, when a student has achieved a grade C or above, it is labelled as a..what?" and
"In sport, what term is used when a player receives the ball from a teammate?"
Right, now I'm not being funny or anything, but you better laugh at this joke. <------------ joke
Whoosh I'll need to read them again later :)
Barcon
Well-Known Member
BlueBearBoots said:TangerineSteve17 said:I was at a fruit and veg stall.
I said to the grocer "Can I have some strawberries please?"
He said "Certainly...punnet?"
I said "Ok, If I were to take them without paying would that be classed as strobbery?" I don't know why but he gave me such a strange look!
I was on Mastermind last week. I was the lowest scorer in history. Only managed to get 2 points! :(
I even remember the questions I got right, it was;
"In examinations, when a student has achieved a grade C or above, it is labelled as a..what?" and
"In sport, what term is used when a player receives the ball from a teammate?"
Right, now I'm not being funny or anything, but you better laugh at this joke. <------------ joke
Whoosh I'll need to read them again later :)
There's nothing to get. Just a random collection of words.
jimharri
Moderator
I thought that was the epileptic fella in a pile of leaves?sixlashes said:what do call a bloke hiding in the bushes
russell
TangerineSteve17
Well-Known Member
Barcon said:BlueBearBoots said:TangerineSteve17 said:I was at a fruit and veg stall.
I said to the grocer "Can I have some strawberries please?"
He said "Certainly...punnet?"
I said "Ok, If I were to take them without paying would that be classed as strobbery?" I don't know why but he gave me such a strange look!
I was on Mastermind last week. I was the lowest scorer in history. Only managed to get 2 points! :(
I even remember the questions I got right, it was;
"In examinations, when a student has achieved a grade C or above, it is labelled as a..what?" and
"In sport, what term is used when a player receives the ball from a teammate?"
Right, now I'm not being funny or anything, but you better laugh at this joke. <------------ joke
Whoosh I'll need to read them again later :)
There's nothing to get. Just a random collection of words.
For Barcon and BBB.
Punnet (of strawberries) = Pun it?
The answers to the Mastermind questions are "Pass"
They're not jokes you can tell down the pub! But I don't go to pubs.. They're not even jokes... So the joke's on you. ha.
Pelly Greeny
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 21 May 2013
- Messages
- 2,211
BlueBearBoots said:TangerineSteve17 said:I was at a fruit and veg stall.
I said to the grocer "Can I have some strawberries please?"
He said "Certainly...punnet?"
I said "Ok, If I were to take them without paying would that be classed as strobbery?" I don't know why but he gave me such a strange look!
I was on Mastermind last week. I was the lowest scorer in history. Only managed to get 2 points! :(
I even remember the questions I got right, it was;
"In examinations, when a student has achieved a grade C or above, it is labelled as a..what?" and
"In sport, what term is used when a player receives the ball from a teammate?"
Right, now I'm not being funny or anything, but you better laugh at this joke. <------------ joke
Whoosh I'll need to read them again later :)
Don't bother - scraping the barrel with the puns now.
Started off very Tim Vine-esque now more Tim Nice-but-dim :-p
M
M
manchester blue
Guest
Mario Balotelli has changed his t-shirt from `why always me` to `why always us` in honor of his new club Liverpool
What do you get if you cross a vibrator with a tortoise?.... an Armadildo.
My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with pigs and that I take her for grunted.
My neighbour just asked if i had a chest freezer...I replied `no, but I've got a chinchilla
I let my hare down at the weekend....I only went and forgot his vets appointment.
I stormed into the library today demanding to know why the book on scouse culture I ordered months ago still wasn't in….`it's not our fault` said the librarian….`yeah that's the one` I replied
As my flatmate Paddy headed towards the front door this morning, I said to him, "where the f**k are you going dressed like that? "to Dave's fancy dress party," he replied. "I'm a tortoise."
I said, "his party is not until tomorrow night!" he said, "I know, I know but I'm a tortoise."
I went to the beach and it was packed. Then I noticed a tall black guy walking among the crowds, selling his African trinkets and carved wood.
I went up to him and asked for his help. "My wife's here somewhere. If you find her I'll give you £500. Just shout loud for her while you walk."
"£500? Okay, what is her name?" he asked...."It's Ivy", I replied. "Ivy Bowler".
I had the beach all to myself after that.
What do you get if you cross a vibrator with a tortoise?.... an Armadildo.
My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with pigs and that I take her for grunted.
My neighbour just asked if i had a chest freezer...I replied `no, but I've got a chinchilla
I let my hare down at the weekend....I only went and forgot his vets appointment.
I stormed into the library today demanding to know why the book on scouse culture I ordered months ago still wasn't in….`it's not our fault` said the librarian….`yeah that's the one` I replied
As my flatmate Paddy headed towards the front door this morning, I said to him, "where the f**k are you going dressed like that? "to Dave's fancy dress party," he replied. "I'm a tortoise."
I said, "his party is not until tomorrow night!" he said, "I know, I know but I'm a tortoise."
I went to the beach and it was packed. Then I noticed a tall black guy walking among the crowds, selling his African trinkets and carved wood.
I went up to him and asked for his help. "My wife's here somewhere. If you find her I'll give you £500. Just shout loud for her while you walk."
"£500? Okay, what is her name?" he asked...."It's Ivy", I replied. "Ivy Bowler".
I had the beach all to myself after that.
lefty goldblatt
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 1 Jul 2012
- Messages
- 5,709
I'm sorry to report that the inventor of the bulletproof vest, Scouse Kevin, has died.
RIP Kev lar
RIP Kev lar
Zuriblue
Well-Known Member
A couple of newly-weds are taking their honeymoon in rural Ireland. Driving down a picturesque country road one day, they break down several miles from the nearest signs of civilisation, with no means of calling for assistance. The husband can see his wife becoming a little upset, so he resolves to give his best shot at fixing the engine himself. Eager to impress he pops the bonnet open and gets stuck in.
After a good half hour of fiddling and tutting, he realises he's no closer to figuring out what the problem is and becomes a little dispirited, not least because he stands to lose face in front of his new wife. Suddenly, he hears a voice saying
"Sparkplugs mate, thats yer problem"
Startled, he looks round, yet sees no-one. Nothing but fields, the nearest of which contains two horses, one bay, one brown.
Putting it down to the quality of the local brew, he gets his head back into the engine.
"Mate, you wanna check yer sparkplugs!"
Again, he stops, looks up. The bay walks a little closer to fence. Nothing for it, he figures. Checks the sparkplugs, gives them a quick fiddle, and success! The car starts purring beautifully, and away they go. After a couple of miles they chance upon a pub, and decide to stop for lunch. As he orders, the man strikes up a conversation with the barkeeper. He feels compelled to report the strange goings-on to the barkeeper.
"Two horses you say?" Asks the patron. "One brown and one bay?"
"That's it" says the man, more confused than ever.
"I take it this was the bay who told you"
The man can only nod
"Good job and all, the other one knows fuck all about cars!"
After a good half hour of fiddling and tutting, he realises he's no closer to figuring out what the problem is and becomes a little dispirited, not least because he stands to lose face in front of his new wife. Suddenly, he hears a voice saying
"Sparkplugs mate, thats yer problem"
Startled, he looks round, yet sees no-one. Nothing but fields, the nearest of which contains two horses, one bay, one brown.
Putting it down to the quality of the local brew, he gets his head back into the engine.
"Mate, you wanna check yer sparkplugs!"
Again, he stops, looks up. The bay walks a little closer to fence. Nothing for it, he figures. Checks the sparkplugs, gives them a quick fiddle, and success! The car starts purring beautifully, and away they go. After a couple of miles they chance upon a pub, and decide to stop for lunch. As he orders, the man strikes up a conversation with the barkeeper. He feels compelled to report the strange goings-on to the barkeeper.
"Two horses you say?" Asks the patron. "One brown and one bay?"
"That's it" says the man, more confused than ever.
"I take it this was the bay who told you"
The man can only nod
"Good job and all, the other one knows fuck all about cars!"
Zuriblue
Well-Known Member
When James Bond is out of his home country of England, is he known as +44 07?