Joke thread

[TangerineSteve17]

I was telling my mate.."I woke up this morning and the floor was crawling with louses!"
He said "Lice."
I said "No, no, I'm telling the truth."

Since moving to a foreign country all I do is stay at home all day eating sliced cheese sandwiches. I'm just not integrating.

My friend said "What do you think is the most commonly misspelt word in the English language?
I said "That's 4 words."

People today are just constructing silly acronyms right off the top of their heads. YCNMIU!

 

[TangerineSteve17]

I was telling my mate.."I woke up this morning and the floor was crawling with louses!"
He said "Lice."
I said "No, no, I'm telling the truth."

Since moving to a foreign country all I do is stay at home all day eating sliced cheese sandwiches. I'm just not integrating.

My friend said "What do you think is the most commonly misspelt word in the English language?
I said "That's 4 words."

People today are just constructing silly acronyms right off the top of their heads. YCNMIU!

 

[BlueBearBoots]

Yay you're back TS and I still don't get most of them :)

 

[Mad Eyed Screamer]

Just had a text off a mate of mine. It said ''Finally fulfilled a fantasy of mine and slept with twins''
I replied ''wow, sounds great, were you able to tell them apart?''
''Yes'' came the reply ''Susan was the one with the huge boobs and Neil had the beard''

 

[Zuriblue]

The police, fire service and paramedics are on a training day. They have to go into some woods and find and catch a rabbit.

In goes the paramedic team. They rush in, grab a rabbit, hit it with 50 cc's of stuff, tie it to a stretcher, and bring it out.

In goes the fire service team. They crash straight through the undergrowth, haul a rabbit out of it's burrow, haul it into a fireman's lift and bring it out.

The police go in. There is silence, punctuated by the sounds of an almighty shoeing going on. Out come the cops, dragging a squirrel, bloodied and beaten, screaming "OK, OK! I'm a fucking rabbit!".

 

[Blue Mist]

The police, fire service and paramedics are on a training day. They have to go into some woods and find and catch a rabbit.

In goes the paramedic team. They rush in, grab a rabbit, hit it with 50 cc's of stuff, tie it to a stretcher, and bring it out.

In goes the fire service team. They crash straight through the undergrowth, haul a rabbit out of it's burrow, haul it into a fireman's lift and bring it out.

The police go in. There is silence, punctuated by the sounds of an almighty shoeing going on. Out come the cops, dragging a squirrel, bloodied and beaten, screaming "OK, OK! I'm a fucking rabbit!".

Now that is a joke. Brilliant.

Tango Steve take note.

 

[Mad Eyed Screamer]

How many Beetles can you get in a car?
6
Two in the front, two in the back and John + George in the ash tray

But there was only four of them.

And they weren't Beetles, they were Beatles. Bloody Yanks. ;)

Yes I know the correct spelling - and I included Stuart Sutcliffe and Pete Best, so should have been 3 in the ashtray!

 

[TTTCITYBHOY]

A successful buisnessman from New York flies to Vegas to play the tables.
After 12 hours he's skint,only the return ticket left in his pocket.
He goes outside for a cab,explains his problem to the driver,who says...
"If you ain't got 15bucks get outta my cab"
He eventually gets to the airport by walking and hitching.

1 year later,he's back in Vegas and wins a cool $1m.
He goes outside for a cab to the airport,and notices the driver who wouldn't take him last time sitting 7th in rank.
He jumps into the 1st and says.."how much to the airport and a blow job"......"fuk off out my cab" says the driver.
He goes to the rest with the same answer.
When he gets to his old pal he says "how much to the airport"......"15 bucks" says the cabbie..."I'll give you 20,thanks"
As they drive off he gives the thumbs up to the rest of the cabs.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

My friend said to me "Whenever I wear my rubber flip-flops my right foot always stinks!"
I said "What a croc of shit."

I tried to shave with a cut throat razor....once.

I used to be funny before I died, but now I tell these gags posthumoursly.

I did a bit of fornicating last week. That Mr Tumnus is a right goer.

I got caught on CCTV making my boss a brew. But instead of using a teaspoon, I was using my nob. It caused quite a stir.

 

[malg]

A successful buisnessman from New York flies to Vegas to play the tables.
After 12 hours he's skint,only the return ticket left in his pocket.
He goes outside for a cab,explains his problem to the driver,who says...
"If you ain't got 15bucks get outta my cab"
He eventually gets to the airport by walking and hitching.

1 year later,he's back in Vegas and wins a cool $1m.
He goes outside for a cab to the airport,and notices the driver who wouldn't take him last time sitting 7th in rank.
He jumps into the 1st and says.."how much to the airport and a blow job"......"fuk off out my cab" says the driver.
He goes to the rest with the same answer.
When he gets to his old pal he says "how much to the airport"......"15 bucks" says the cabbie..."I'll give you 20,thanks"
As they drive off he gives the thumbs up to the rest of the cabs.

I like that one.