Two Gun Bob
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 2 Apr 2010
- Messages
- 12,306
Airports all finished and the weekend is on us
The heatwave as promised is really going to happen today , yes it is !
But one way or another its been a really really ruff night so a few doggie jokes to break us all into the dawn chorus.
A dog goes into a grocer’s with a basket in its mouth. In the basket is a shopping list and a purse. The grocer reads the list, puts the goods requested into the basket, takes some money from the purse and puts back the change. The dog then runs off home. This happens every week for months and the grocer becomes extremely impressed by the animal’s intelligence and its dedication to its task. One day he decides to follow the animal home and see if its owner would be willing to sell it. The dog eventually leads the grocer to a run-down house where it puts the basket on the doorstep and rings the door-bell with its nose. After a few seconds an old woman opens the door and starts hitting the dog with a stick. ‘Stop!’ shouts the grocer. ‘What are you doing? That’s the most intelligent dog I’ve ever seen in my life.’ ‘Intelligent, my arse!’ shouts the old woman. ‘That’s the third time this week he’s forgotten his keys.’
A dog goes into a job centre and asks for employment. ‘Wow, a talking dog,’ says the clerk. ‘With your talent I’m sure we can find you a job at the circus.’ ‘The circus?’ says the dog. ‘What does a circus want with a plumber?’
A dog is sitting in a cinema with its owner. The dog stares at the screen intently and growls whenever the villain appears and wags its tail whenever the hero comes on. An old lady has been watching the dog’s behaviour. She turns to its owner and says, ‘That’s extraordinary behaviour for a dog.’ ‘You’re right,’ says the owner. ‘It is surprising – he hated the book.’#
A dog with three legs walks into a Wild West bar and says, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’
Little Johnny has a sick dog called Scotti. After a visit to the vet, Dad tells Johnny that Scotti probably won’t live for more than a month. ‘But Scotti wouldn’t want you to be sad,’ says Dad. ‘He’d want you to have happy memories of him.’ ‘Can we give him a funeral?’ asks Johnny. ‘Sure,’ says Dad. ‘Can I invite all my friends?’ asks Johnny. ‘Sure you can,’ says Dad. ‘And can we have cake and ice-cream?’ asks Johnny. ‘You can have all the cake you want,’ says Dad. ‘Dad,’ says Johnny. ‘Can we kill Scotti today?’
The heatwave as promised is really going to happen today , yes it is !
But one way or another its been a really really ruff night so a few doggie jokes to break us all into the dawn chorus.
A dog goes into a grocer’s with a basket in its mouth. In the basket is a shopping list and a purse. The grocer reads the list, puts the goods requested into the basket, takes some money from the purse and puts back the change. The dog then runs off home. This happens every week for months and the grocer becomes extremely impressed by the animal’s intelligence and its dedication to its task. One day he decides to follow the animal home and see if its owner would be willing to sell it. The dog eventually leads the grocer to a run-down house where it puts the basket on the doorstep and rings the door-bell with its nose. After a few seconds an old woman opens the door and starts hitting the dog with a stick. ‘Stop!’ shouts the grocer. ‘What are you doing? That’s the most intelligent dog I’ve ever seen in my life.’ ‘Intelligent, my arse!’ shouts the old woman. ‘That’s the third time this week he’s forgotten his keys.’
A dog goes into a job centre and asks for employment. ‘Wow, a talking dog,’ says the clerk. ‘With your talent I’m sure we can find you a job at the circus.’ ‘The circus?’ says the dog. ‘What does a circus want with a plumber?’
A dog is sitting in a cinema with its owner. The dog stares at the screen intently and growls whenever the villain appears and wags its tail whenever the hero comes on. An old lady has been watching the dog’s behaviour. She turns to its owner and says, ‘That’s extraordinary behaviour for a dog.’ ‘You’re right,’ says the owner. ‘It is surprising – he hated the book.’#
A dog with three legs walks into a Wild West bar and says, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’
Little Johnny has a sick dog called Scotti. After a visit to the vet, Dad tells Johnny that Scotti probably won’t live for more than a month. ‘But Scotti wouldn’t want you to be sad,’ says Dad. ‘He’d want you to have happy memories of him.’ ‘Can we give him a funeral?’ asks Johnny. ‘Sure,’ says Dad. ‘Can I invite all my friends?’ asks Johnny. ‘Sure you can,’ says Dad. ‘And can we have cake and ice-cream?’ asks Johnny. ‘You can have all the cake you want,’ says Dad. ‘Dad,’ says Johnny. ‘Can we kill Scotti today?’