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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
chris63
Well-Known Member
THE YOUNG COUPLE ARRIVED AT THE HOTEL WHERE THEY WERE SPENDING
THE FIRST NIGHT OF THEIR HONEYMOON
THEY OPENED THE CHAMPAGNE AND BEGAN UNDRESSING.
WHEN THE BRIDEGROOM REMOVED HIS SOCKS HIS NEW WIFE ASKED
WHATS WRONG WITH YOUR FEET? YOUR TOES LOOK ALL MANGLED AND WEIRD
I had tolio as a child he answered
You mean polio she asked.
No tolio The disease only affected my toes
When the groom took off his pants his bride once again asked
What's wrong with your knees Theyre all lumpy and deformed
As a child I also had kneasles he explained.
You mean measles she asked
No kneasles It was a strange illness that only affected my knees
As the undressing continued her husband at last removed his
underwear
Dont tell me she said
Let me guess
SMALLCOX
THE FIRST NIGHT OF THEIR HONEYMOON
THEY OPENED THE CHAMPAGNE AND BEGAN UNDRESSING.
WHEN THE BRIDEGROOM REMOVED HIS SOCKS HIS NEW WIFE ASKED
WHATS WRONG WITH YOUR FEET? YOUR TOES LOOK ALL MANGLED AND WEIRD
I had tolio as a child he answered
You mean polio she asked.
No tolio The disease only affected my toes
When the groom took off his pants his bride once again asked
What's wrong with your knees Theyre all lumpy and deformed
As a child I also had kneasles he explained.
You mean measles she asked
No kneasles It was a strange illness that only affected my knees
As the undressing continued her husband at last removed his
underwear
Dont tell me she said
Let me guess
SMALLCOX
mac
Well-Known Member
A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!'
Or ''Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"
A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policewoman
Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time...
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefits.
A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing'.
We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided.
The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a
suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache
of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tons
of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked
Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public
Library in Toxteth.
Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said:"We're all
really shocked; we didn't know we had a library!
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!'
Or ''Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"
A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policewoman
Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time...
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefits.
A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing'.
We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided.
The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a
suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache
of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tons
of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked
Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public
Library in Toxteth.
Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said:"We're all
really shocked; we didn't know we had a library!
brass neck
Well-Known Member
Young lad going on his first date. His dad see's him off saying "don't forget to wear". .... His son buts in "Daaaaad, I know..... a condom" dad replys..... "A hat you ginger freek!"
spike549
Well-Known Member
The Hunchback of notre dame was running down the street and 11 kids were running after him........ he was heard to say " Fuck off i haven't got your fucking football"
There is man running down the street and he was stopped .
Why are you running?
There is a lion escaped from the zoo!!
Which way is it going?
You don't think i'm fucking chasing it do you!!!
Thanks Bernard Manning RIP
There is man running down the street and he was stopped .
Why are you running?
There is a lion escaped from the zoo!!
Which way is it going?
You don't think i'm fucking chasing it do you!!!
Thanks Bernard Manning RIP
spike549
Well-Known Member
A lunatic runs in to a launderette, shags 2 women, then runs off
the head lines in the newspaper the next day were
"NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS"
the head lines in the newspaper the next day were
"NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS"
LWashington
Well-Known Member
A man is walking in the park when he sees a little old man sat on a park bench crying. He says "What's Up?"
The old man replies "I'm Ninety and last week I won £20 million on the lottery, I bought a mansion with a swimming pool , a Rolls Royce, a Private jet and I married an 18 year old blonde Swedish supermodel"
The Man says "Then What the Hell are you crying for ?"
The Old Man replies "cos I've forgotten where I live!"
The old man replies "I'm Ninety and last week I won £20 million on the lottery, I bought a mansion with a swimming pool , a Rolls Royce, a Private jet and I married an 18 year old blonde Swedish supermodel"
The Man says "Then What the Hell are you crying for ?"
The Old Man replies "cos I've forgotten where I live!"
jimharri
Moderator
A teacher asked his class to make a sentence using the word 'contagious'.
'Measles is contagious' said one pupil.
'Mumps is contagious' said another.
Johnny down the back stuck up his hand...
'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush. My Daddy says it'll take the contagious to do it!'
'Measles is contagious' said one pupil.
'Mumps is contagious' said another.
Johnny down the back stuck up his hand...
'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush. My Daddy says it'll take the contagious to do it!'