Joke thread

[CTID1988]

Nike say their new vapor kits help people run faster...

...only really of any use if you're a fan of Nice then.

fybc.

I dont get this one?! Only thing i can think of is that its a joke about the Nice truck attack? Might just be my sick mind though

 

[jimharri]

A Scouser and a Mancunian walk into a bakery.

The Scouser steals 3 buns (stereotyping alert!) and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Mancunian, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Mancunian replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The pair then walk back into the bakery. The Mancunian then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

He asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".

The Mancunian then said, "Look in the Scouser's pockets."

 

[jimharri]

Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

 

[el blue]

I'd tell you a great time travel joke..
but you didn't like it.

 

[LWashington]

An 94 year old man in a nursing home meets a 75 year old women from the same home and they have sex. The next day his penis develops a massive painful swelling at the end and leaky discharge.
The doctor is called to his room to examine him.
The doctor asks "Have you by any chance had sex recently?"
The old man says "Yes, last night for the first time in 40 years"
The doc says "Do you know which room she's in?"
"Yes the top floor room 137" ,the old man replies
The doctor says "Well you better get the lift up there quick, you're about the cum!"

 

[LWashington]

Can't find the funny pics thread so posted this here.

Has Michael "Dorian" Gray painted a picture of himself we don't know about?

 

[Zuriblue]

I've just been dumped. She told me my constant listening to Oasis was doing her head in.

Apparently it came to a head when she told me to turn off Wonderwall and I replied "maybe"

 

[city saint]

a young couple were looking at there new born baby in its cot when the man says look at the size of his willy.the woman says don't worry love hes got your ears

 

[yeseye]

I've just been dumped. She told me my constant listening to Oasis was doing her head in.

Apparently it came to a head when she told me to turn off Wonderwall and I replied "maybe"

Got any more?

 

[Ancient Citizen]

I've just been dumped. She told me my constant listening to Oasis was doing her head in.

Apparently it came to a head when she told me to turn off Wonderwall and I replied "maybe"

I like Oasis soup.
You get a roll with it.