bluegirl74
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 30 Jul 2012
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Or, Pavlov is enjoying a pint on his local. His phone rings. "Fuck" he mutters to himself, "I forgot to feed the dog".
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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
Or, Pavlov is enjoying a pint on his local. His phone rings. "Fuck" he mutters to himself, "I forgot to feed the dog".
Zuriblue
Well-Known Member
SpaceX have announced that their next mission will include a payload of 12 Charolais cows.
It will be the herd shot around the world.
It will be the herd shot around the world.
jimharri
Moderator
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his desperation succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife to help him dislodge it but after hours of trying they decided to go to the hospital.
As they were heading out of the door, their daughter came home with her boyfriend. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s bloke suggested he might be able to get the peanut out. He told the father to sit down and relax, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. The father blew as he was told, and to everyone’s huge relief the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and father thanked him profusely for helping them out. “It was nothing,” the young man insisted modestly. Once he was gone, the man's wife turned to him and said, “That’s wonderful! Isn’t he a smart young man? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?”
The father replied, “Judging from the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.”
As they were heading out of the door, their daughter came home with her boyfriend. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s bloke suggested he might be able to get the peanut out. He told the father to sit down and relax, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. The father blew as he was told, and to everyone’s huge relief the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and father thanked him profusely for helping them out. “It was nothing,” the young man insisted modestly. Once he was gone, the man's wife turned to him and said, “That’s wonderful! Isn’t he a smart young man? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?”
The father replied, “Judging from the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.”
M
M
mat
Guest
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?"
Feeling a bit put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he is busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "The search team?! Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They are looking for me!"
Feeling a bit put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he is busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "The search team?! Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They are looking for me!"
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
AustinBlue
Well-Known Member
Frederick Engels was helping Karl Marx move into a new home. Engels said "Karl I have found a Stradivarius in the toilet. Thats rare"
Marx replied "No you'll always get that: Its the violins inherent in the cistern"
I'm using this one!
jimharri
Moderator
A bloke goes to the council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"?
He replies, "Yes caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before."
"Yes I was in the army", he says,"I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes,a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says,"O.K.
You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday."
The bloke is puzzled and asks."If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"the
interviewer says; "For the first two hours,we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.There's no point coming in for that."
As "Wazza" would say, an oldie but a goodie!
The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"?
He replies, "Yes caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before."
"Yes I was in the army", he says,"I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes,a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says,"O.K.
You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday."
The bloke is puzzled and asks."If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"the
interviewer says; "For the first two hours,we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.There's no point coming in for that."
As "Wazza" would say, an oldie but a goodie!
Zuriblue
Well-Known Member
My mate died doing what he loved.
Loudly pointing out the spelling and grammar mistakes on the tattoos on an EDL march.
Loudly pointing out the spelling and grammar mistakes on the tattoos on an EDL march.
So, I was walking through Manchester and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Pauline Hanson`s book on British Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and Nigerians ?"
The clerk said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Pauline Hanson`s book on British Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and Nigerians ?"
The clerk said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
jimharri
Moderator
A Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.
After a long day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.
Five or six whiskies later he notices the head of a stuffed animal on the wall. "What the hell is that?" he asks the barman.
"That's a moose", came the reply
"Fuck me!" replies the Sweaty, "how big are the cats around here?"
Thank you, thank you. Here all week I am, yes.
After a long day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.
Five or six whiskies later he notices the head of a stuffed animal on the wall. "What the hell is that?" he asks the barman.
"That's a moose", came the reply
"Fuck me!" replies the Sweaty, "how big are the cats around here?"
Thank you, thank you. Here all week I am, yes.