Joke thread

Bozo said:
This one's worth it, lads...

I used to know a guy who loved tractors, I mean, he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even a little stash of tractor porn (which is not easy to find mind you...)
The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his fiancé. She was his high school sweetheart, and they were soon to be married. She didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit, and did her best to engage in his love for tractors. She didn't even mind the role play he insisted upon, where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride".
Live was pretty sweet for those two, but it wasn't to be. Sadly, one day when driving home from work, his fiancé was involved in a crash. A tractor had fallen off the back of a transport truck, straight onto her car. She was rushed to hospital, close to death, but didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "...don't blame the tractors, honey" and with that, she headed to the big farm in the sky.
Sadly, he couldn't forget what the tractor had caused. He could never hate them, but he could never carry on with his fondness for them. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, paintings, his wife's tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper, and taken to the local tip. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years.
He never married, however, all those years later he did meet a nice local girl. They met at the local supermarket, and he asked her out for drink. She agreed, and on the following Friday, they met at the local pub. Now, this was before the smoking ban, and on entry, the pub was thick with cigarette smoke. His date did not like this, as she suffered from asthma. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he looked at her and said "don't worry, watch this..." He walked to the middle of the room, and started breathing in. I mean, REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. He came back into the pub to huge applause. When he rejoined his date, she was equally shocked and impressed and asked "how on earth did you do that?!"

He replied, "I'm an extractor fan."
Click to expand...
250
 
Bozo said:
This one's worth it, lads...

I used to know a guy who loved tractors, I mean, he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even a little stash of tractor porn (which is not easy to find mind you...)
The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his fiancé. She was his high school sweetheart, and they were soon to be married. She didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit, and did her best to engage in his love for tractors. She didn't even mind the role play he insisted upon, where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride".
Live was pretty sweet for those two, but it wasn't to be. Sadly, one day when driving home from work, his fiancé was involved in a crash. A tractor had fallen off the back of a transport truck, straight onto her car. She was rushed to hospital, close to death, but didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "...don't blame the tractors, honey" and with that, she headed to the big farm in the sky.
Sadly, he couldn't forget what the tractor had caused. He could never hate them, but he could never carry on with his fondness for them. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, paintings, his wife's tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper, and taken to the local tip. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years.
He never married, however, all those years later he did meet a nice local girl. They met at the local supermarket, and he asked her out for drink. She agreed, and on the following Friday, they met at the local pub. Now, this was before the smoking ban, and on entry, the pub was thick with cigarette smoke. His date did not like this, as she suffered from asthma. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he looked at her and said "don't worry, watch this..." He walked to the middle of the room, and started breathing in. I mean, REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. He came back into the pub to huge applause. When he rejoined his date, she was equally shocked and impressed and asked "how on earth did you do that?!"

He replied, "I'm an extractor fan."
Click to expand...
You DO understand the concept behind a joke? That it is supposed to be, well, funny? Or at least mildly amusing/entertaining.
 
jimharri said:
You DO understand the concept behind a joke? That it is supposed to be, well, funny? Or at least mildly amusing/entertaining.
Click to expand...
Or just a total piss take like the Noddy joke, that was just fucking shite, cat-loving ****.
 
Bozo said:
This one's worth it, lads...

I used to know a guy who loved tractors, I mean, he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even a little stash of tractor porn (which is not easy to find mind you...)
The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his fiancé. She was his high school sweetheart, and they were soon to be married. She didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit, and did her best to engage in his love for tractors. She didn't even mind the role play he insisted upon, where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride".
Live was pretty sweet for those two, but it wasn't to be. Sadly, one day when driving home from work, his fiancé was involved in a crash. A tractor had fallen off the back of a transport truck, straight onto her car. She was rushed to hospital, close to death, but didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "...don't blame the tractors, honey" and with that, she headed to the big farm in the sky.
Sadly, he couldn't forget what the tractor had caused. He could never hate them, but he could never carry on with his fondness for them. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, paintings, his wife's tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper, and taken to the local tip. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years.
He never married, however, all those years later he did meet a nice local girl. They met at the local supermarket, and he asked her out for drink. She agreed, and on the following Friday, they met at the local pub. Now, this was before the smoking ban, and on entry, the pub was thick with cigarette smoke. His date did not like this, as she suffered from asthma. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he looked at her and said "don't worry, watch this..." He walked to the middle of the room, and started breathing in. I mean, REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. He came back into the pub to huge applause. When he rejoined his date, she was equally shocked and impressed and asked "how on earth did you do that?!"

He replied, "I'm an extractor fan."
Click to expand...

Here's one you might like;

It was a glorious day in Toytown and Big Ears decided to go and meet his best friend Noddy. The sun was shining and the birds whistled merrily in the trees. Big Ears was excited, after all he hadn't seen his best friend Noddy for a whole week! That was much too long for Big Ears.

Big Ears made himself a lovely breakfast - muffins and pancakes. Yummy, yummy! He read his newspaper and then set off to Noddy's house in the middle of Toytown. Walking out of his front gate he bumped into Mr. Postman.

"Hello Mr. Postman," said Big Ears, "I'm off to meet my very best friend Noddy on this glorious day."

"Hello Big Ears," said Mr. Postman, "I'm sure you'll have a lovely time. You and Noddy are such good friends. Everybody knows that."

Big Ears walked jauntily along the road, smelling the flowers in the hedgerows and whistling a merry tune. Soon he came across Mr. Baker.

"Hello Mr. Baker," said Big Ears, "I'm off to meet my very best friend Noddy on this glorious day."

"Hello Big Ears," said Mr. Baker, "That's great news. You and Noddy are such good friends. Have a good day."

"I will!" beamed Big Ears, ever more excited about meeting Noddy, his bestest, BESTEST friend in the whole world.

As he walked Big Ears remembered all of the great times Noddy and he had together. There was the time they took the train to the beach and ate ice cream - that was lovely. Or the time the sweetie-van overturned in the street and all the little kiddies gorged themsleves on licqorice drops and bubbly gum. Super times!

Big Ears rounded the last corner into Noddy's street and he could now see Noddy's house up ahead. "This is SO exciting," he said to himself, "I'm going to meet Noddy my best friend in the world and we are going to have such fun together!"

He opened the gate at the end of Noddy's path and ran up the path to the door, hardly able to contain his excitement. This was going to be a great day - maybe even the greatest day of all! He knocked on the door and waited, a huge smile on his face. Inside he heard noises - Noddy was coming to the door!!

The door opened and there was Noddy, Big Ears's best friend in the whole wide world with whom he had shared so many great adventures. Big Ears was shaking with excitement.

"Hello Noddy," he beamed, "It's me, Big Ears, your bestest friend in the whole world. I haven't seen you in for a week!! Let's go out together and have a great adventure in Toytown!"

Noddy looked at Big Ears - "Piss off you red-nosed twat"
 
aguero93:20 said:
Here's one you might like;

It was a glorious day in Toytown and Big Ears decided to go and meet his best friend Noddy. The sun was shining and the birds whistled merrily in the trees. Big Ears was excited, after all he hadn't seen his best friend Noddy for a whole week! That was much too long for Big Ears.

Big Ears made himself a lovely breakfast - muffins and pancakes. Yummy, yummy! He read his newspaper and then set off to Noddy's house in the middle of Toytown. Walking out of his front gate he bumped into Mr. Postman.

"Hello Mr. Postman," said Big Ears, "I'm off to meet my very best friend Noddy on this glorious day."

"Hello Big Ears," said Mr. Postman, "I'm sure you'll have a lovely time. You and Noddy are such good friends. Everybody knows that."

Big Ears walked jauntily along the road, smelling the flowers in the hedgerows and whistling a merry tune. Soon he came across Mr. Baker.

"Hello Mr. Baker," said Big Ears, "I'm off to meet my very best friend Noddy on this glorious day."

"Hello Big Ears," said Mr. Baker, "That's great news. You and Noddy are such good friends. Have a good day."

"I will!" beamed Big Ears, ever more excited about meeting Noddy, his bestest, BESTEST friend in the whole world.

As he walked Big Ears remembered all of the great times Noddy and he had together. There was the time they took the train to the beach and ate ice cream - that was lovely. Or the time the sweetie-van overturned in the street and all the little kiddies gorged themsleves on licqorice drops and bubbly gum. Super times!

Big Ears rounded the last corner into Noddy's street and he could now see Noddy's house up ahead. "This is SO exciting," he said to himself, "I'm going to meet Noddy my best friend in the world and we are going to have such fun together!"

He opened the gate at the end of Noddy's path and ran up the path to the door, hardly able to contain his excitement. This was going to be a great day - maybe even the greatest day of all! He knocked on the door and waited, a huge smile on his face. Inside he heard noises - Noddy was coming to the door!!

The door opened and there was Noddy, Big Ears's best friend in the whole wide world with whom he had shared so many great adventures. Big Ears was shaking with excitement.

"Hello Noddy," he beamed, "It's me, Big Ears, your bestest friend in the whole world. I haven't seen you in for a week!! Let's go out together and have a great adventure in Toytown!"

Noddy looked at Big Ears - "Piss off you red-nosed twat"
Click to expand...
My ribs explode-not
 
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started".
 
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