Joke thread

[jimharri]

Tip of the day;
If you're ever attacked by a group of clowns, when fighting them off, always go for the juggler.

 

[fredmont]

Buying a Cinese takeaway £28

Petrol used for collection £2

Getting home and realising the numpties had forgot
to put in one of the containers

Riceless

 

[dronefromsector7G]

My server's gone down again.

I love this restaurant.







Been looking after my mate's pet python and I left it overnight in my chest freezer.

I think I'll just give it to him straight.

 

[mad4city]

Some time ago I bumped into an old mate in the street and said "Hello Fred!" He replied "Don't call me Fred, call me Lucky! That plane crash in Spain - I should have been on it, but got held up in traffic and missed the flight!"
A bit later I met him again and said "Hello, Lucky!" He replied "Don't call me Lucky, call me Lucky Lucky! That terrorist bomb in London - I was due to be on that spot but fell ill and couldn't make it!"
Some time later I saw him again but he was in a wheelchair, so I said (nervously) "Hello Lucky Lucky!" He answered "Don't call me Lucky Lucky, call me Lucky Lucky Lucky!". I said "What do you mean, Lucky X 3? You're in a wheelchair!" He replied "You recall the terrible storm last October? Well, I was on the bed, giving the girl friend a good seeing-to, when a lightning bolt struck the chimney-stack, it came through the ceiling and hit me in the lower back, now I'll probably not walk again."
So I said "What's thrice lucky about that?" He said "Well, if it had happened five minutes earlier, it would have smashed my head in....."

Good Lord! A funny joke! An actual funny joke... that was the last thing that I was expecting to find on this thread.

Help yourself to any cuddly toy from the top shelf, sir.

 

[Indaparkside]

Did you here about the scarecrow who won a lifetime achievement award, he was OUTSTANDING in his field

 

[Ancient Citizen]

I'm opening a chain of female sex change clinics.
I'm calling it gashconverters.

 

[Big Swifty]

Thank you, Mr Mad4city, for appreciating my lucky lucky lucky joke. It took me long enough to type.

 

[BackofJeanette]

I was asked to leave the local swimming today as the large bulge in my Speedos was upsetting some of the other swimmers.I pointed out another guy in similar trunks and asked why he was not being asked to leave.
"Because he hasn't shat himself," was the reply.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

 

[Dave Ewing's Back 'eader]

Why didn't he pick England, or South Africa, or another team more likely to win the world cup?

His grandad on his mother's side was probably Samoan!