Joke thread

[Indaparkside]

I once had a chat with Elvis about certain supermarkets. Waitrose, Co-op, Sainsbury's, Morrisons, Tesco, Asda and Aldi

... It was a Lidl-less Conversation.

I know your wife was getting frustrated and you said

Wait Rose

 

[lefty goldblatt]

I once had a chat with Elvis about certain supermarkets. Waitrose, Co-op, Sainsbury's, Morrisons, Tesco, Asda and Aldi

... It was a Lidl-less Conversation.

Will Tes-co-operate?

Two for the price of one.
Perhaps the best value in the supermarket, tonight.

That's Fine Fare (oops, another one)
VICTOR! VALUE? Hush my mouth

 

[lefty goldblatt]

Up in Glasgow, they're shouting
"Hey. Al. Di ye think this is all bollocks?"

 

[Sam Armstrong]

Sad to hear that my cooking idol Gary Rhodes has passed away. Back in his heyday, we used to copy each others spiked hair style.

I don’t know what it was about him .... we just seemed to gel!!

 

[Deleted member 77198]

I got a job as a removals man. I didn’t have any training, I thought I’d just pick it up as I go along.

 

[ray21]

Tu Youyou,the first woman to win a Nobel Prize in medicine,
But best known for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

 

[Fred_Quimby]

From Private Eye

“It’s now three against three, in Leicester City’s favour”
SAM MATTERFACE
TalkSport

“Just because something hasn’t happened before doesn’t mean it can’t happen again”
MICK MCCARTHY
Sky Sports

“To beat the world champion, your safety play has to be next to none”
JIMMY WHITE
Eurosport

“My first TV appearance was when I made a cake for Sophie Wessex. I was doing the Duke of Edinburgh at the time”
VICKY PATTISON
Radio 5 Live

“Seventy-five percent of A&E hospital patients can expect to be seen within 24 hours”
EVAN DAVIS
Radio 4

 

[Sam Armstrong]

I just heard a woodpecker call me a paranoid tw@t in morse code.

 

[Sam Armstrong]

I offered to pick up my sister this morning from Manchester Airport and was just waiting for her to come through to arrivals lounge, as I saw her emerge I shouted "Hi sis"... Fuck me, never seen as many armed police appear as quickly in my life!

 

[hammocity]

I got a job as a removals man. I didn’t have any training, I thought I’d just pick it up as I go along.

I went for a job as a Handyman, gaffer said

“what makes you the best choice for this appointment?”

“I live just round the corner”

Then a Stacker Driver/Labourer

“Can you drive a forklift?”

“Yes”

“Can you brew up?”

“Fucks sake, how big’s the teapot?”