Joke thread

[Uwe Already]

Occurred to me I may have heard the last joke on here so to make up:


Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool...

 

[dronefromsector7G]

The World Health Organisation has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore... W.H.O. let the dogs out!

 

[PannickAtTheDisco]

A man walked into a bar and drank a bottle of Corona.

Afterwards he felt ill and went to the doctor and handed him the bottle.

He said "Doctor, I think I've caught Coronavirus from this".

The doctor ran some tests and came back with the results.

"Upon reflection, sir, you appear to have Lime's Disease".

 

[dickie davies]

Man walks into a pub and says "give me a pint of anything but not Stella"
The barman replied "What's wrong with Stella?"
Bloke says"I had 12 pints yesterday and when I came round I was fucking skint "
The barman smiled and said "12 pints of any beer products would cost about the same "
Bloke replied 'Skint is my dog"

 

[BackofJeanette]

A scouser goes on the Antiques Roadshow with a very rare vase.

Fiona Bruce says " this is an extremely rare vase, how did you acquire it?"

Scouser says " it was handed down to me!"

Fiona says " where from?"

" an upstairs window " he replies!

 

[BackofJeanette]

Went to the record shop earlier.
" Can I have a copy of 'You'll never find another love like mine'
Guy says " sorry mate, all gone!"
" Ok how about Lady Love?"
" None left"
"Have you got
'Stop me from starting this feeling'!"
Again he replied
" Sorry mate but we've totally sold out of Lou Rawls!"

 

[EastStandLower]

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with his bird puns, but he soon realised that toucan play at that game.

 

[crazyg]

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with his bird puns, but he soon realised that toucan play at that game.

You made a tit of him then?

 

[DazWA9]

According to reports, John Travolta has been admitted to hospital with suspected Covid-19, the hospital states that it's just saturday night fever, but he is staying alive!
They thought at first by the way he walks, he's a Wuhan man, no time to talk. But now they're saying he’s got the chills, they’re multiplying.

 

[Indaparkside]

Had an Indian last night left the rest on the table till morning as I’d had too much, woke up this morning to find it gone the dog on the floor on his back with his paws in the air, vets just been out he said don’t worry he’ll recover apparently he was only in a korma