Joke thread

[Big Swifty]

Back in the day,when we could eat out, I recall ordering a Dover sole, so I asked the waitress for some fine wine to accompany it. I said "Have you got a white Macon?".

She said "No, sir, it's my uniform"

A German couple at the next table asked for two Martinis. "Dry/" asked the waitress. "No, zwei, I said - are you deaf?" came the reply

A woman at another table had frogs' legs and chicken breast. A shame, cos she was quite good-looking otherwise.

I then ordered the Carmina Burana. The waitress said "Sorry, sir, that's Orff" (one for the music buffs)

 

[East Level 2]

and only when they're feeling happy.

Do they feel grumpy when they're sober?

 

[crazyg]

Do they feel grumpy when they're sober?

With mood swings like that, they'd be better seeing a doc.

 

[RadcliffeRick]

Run a mile if they are sneezy

 

[Blue Mist]

Back in the day,when we could eat out, I recall ordering a Dover sole, so I asked the waitress for some fine wine to accompany it. I said "Have you got a white Macon?".

She said "No, sir, it's my uniform"

A German couple at the next table asked for two Martinis. "Dry/" asked the waitress. "No, zwei, I said - are you deaf?" came the reply

A woman at another table had frogs' legs and chicken breast. A shame, cos she was quite good-looking otherwise.

I then ordered the Carmina Burana. The waitress said "Sorry, sir, that's Orff" (one for the music buffs)

Oh FFS, if this lockdown doesn't end soon I am topping myself.


A bit of whipped cream, some hundreds and thousands and a glace cherry should do the trick.

 

[crazyg]

Oh FFS, if this lockdown doesn't end soon I am topping myself.


A bit of whipped cream, some hundreds and thousands and a glace cherry should do the rick.

Wibble.

 

[lefty goldblatt]

Oh FFS, if this lockdown doesn't end soon I am topping myself.


A bit of whipped cream, some hundreds and thousands and a glace cherry should do the trick.

There goes a man, not to be trifled with.

 

[Baggins.mcfc]

Got sent this one today. A guy walks in a supermarket, when a random woman says hi, he doesn't recognize her, so asks do i know you. She says i think you're the father of one of my kids. He looks her over and says, are you the stipper i fucked over the pool table in the white lion, while your husband and my mates was watching us a few years ago. No she said, your sons teacher.

 

[nellyonthewing]

Republican Sitting in a Bar
A union boss walks into a bar from the factory next door, and is about to
order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a
"TRUMP, Make America Great Again" cap with a mug of beer sitting in
front of him.

The union boss doesn't need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a
Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone
can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender.... but not for the
'Republican'.

Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a
big smile, waves at him then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the 'Union Boss'.

After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for
everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn't seem to bother
the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells, "Thank you!"

A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of
drinks for everyone except the Republican.

Frustrated that he can't seem to get the guy angered, the union boss
asks the bartender, "What is wrong with that Republican? I've ordered
three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the
dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts...?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

 

[yeseye]

My wife's eaten that much during the lockdown.
She's started to get a fucking tan off the fridge light.