Joke thread

It was Christmas Day in the workhouse
The snow-white walls were black
When in came the workhouse master
With his suit cut out of a sack

In came the Christmas pudding
When a voice that could shatter glass
Said "We don't want your Christmas pudding
You can stick it with the rest of the unwanted presents.

The workhouse master then arose
And prepared to carve the duck
He said "Who wants the parson's nose?"
And the inmates shouted "You have it yourself, sir"

The vicar brought his Bible out
And read out little bits
Said one old crone at the back of the hall
"This man gets on so well with everyone"

The workhouse mistress then began
To hand out Christmas parcels
The paupers tore the wrapping off
And begin to wipe their eyes, which were full of tears

The master rose to make a speech
But just before he started,
The mistress, who weighed 15 stone,
Gave three loud cheers and nearly choked herself

And all the paupers then began
To pull their Christmas crackers
One pauper held his too low down
And blew off both his hat and the man's next to him

A steaming bowl of white bread sauce
Was handed round to some
An aged inmate then called out
"To me it tastes like it was made by a foreigner"

Mince pies with custard came out next
And each received a bit
One fellow said "The mince pie's nice,
But the custard tastes like it was made last week"

The mistress dishing out the food
Spilt custard down her front
She said "I am a silly girl"
But the inmates said "You're a perfect picture, ma'am"

"This pudding" said the master
"Is solid, hard and thick.
What am I going to cut it with?"
And they answered "Use you penknife, the nice silver one"

The mistress asked the vicar
To entertain his flock
He said "What would you like to see?"
And they all said "Show us your conjuring tricks"

"Your reverence, may I be excused?"
Said one benign old chap
"I do not like you conjuring tricks
I'm going to have a look at the weather outside"

So then they all began to sing
Which shook the workhouse walls
"Merry Christmas!" said the master
And the inmates answered "Best of luck to you as well, sir!"
 
Big Swifty said:
It was Christmas Day in the workhouse
The snow-white walls were black
When in came the workhouse master
With his suit cut out of a sack

In came the Christmas pudding
When a voice that could shatter glass
Said "We don't want your Christmas pudding
You can stick it with the rest of the unwanted presents.

The workhouse master then arose
And prepared to carve the duck
He said "Who wants the parson's nose?"
And the inmates shouted "You have it yourself, sir"

The vicar brought his Bible out
And read out little bits
Said one old crone at the back of the hall
"This man gets on so well with everyone"

The workhouse mistress then began
To hand out Christmas parcels
The paupers tore the wrapping off
And begin to wipe their eyes, which were full of tears

The master rose to make a speech
But just before he started,
The mistress, who weighed 15 stone,
Gave three loud cheers and nearly choked herself

And all the paupers then began
To pull their Christmas crackers
One pauper held his too low down
And blew off both his hat and the man's next to him

A steaming bowl of white bread sauce
Was handed round to some
An aged inmate then called out
"To me it tastes like it was made by a foreigner"

Mince pies with custard came out next
And each received a bit
One fellow said "The mince pie's nice,
But the custard tastes like it was made last week"

The mistress dishing out the food
Spilt custard down her front
She said "I am a silly girl"
But the inmates said "You're a perfect picture, ma'am"

"This pudding" said the master
"Is solid, hard and thick.
What am I going to cut it with?"
And they answered "Use you penknife, the nice silver one"

The mistress asked the vicar
To entertain his flock
He said "What would you like to see?"
And they all said "Show us your conjuring tricks"

"Your reverence, may I be excused?"
Said one benign old chap
"I do not like you conjuring tricks
I'm going to have a look at the weather outside"

So then they all began to sing
Which shook the workhouse walls
"Merry Christmas!" said the master
And the inmates answered "Best of luck to you as well, sir!"
Click to expand...


Am I missing something
 
I've just met a chinese drug addict.
He said "Have you seen my cocaine?"

I said "Not since he starred in Zulu"
 
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