Joke thread

bluechippie said:
Two lions walking down Blackpool Promenade, one turns round to the other and says "Quiet for a bank holiday!"
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Same two lions later catch and start to eat one of the Clowns from a circus. First lion asked the second lion "does this taste funny to you?"
 
Eastern European guy looking for a job sees an opening cleaning the lion cages at the zoo. Does an interview, his English is not too good but they give him the job anyway. They give him a safety briefing about never going in while the two lions are in there, especially during current mating season!

Couple of days later they can’t find him! They realize the worst has probably happened, and that he probably didn’t understand the instructions of staying out of the cage when the mating lions were in there.

So, the zoo has to euthanize both the lions, and sure enough… The Czech was in the male!
 
A man goes into a pub, he goes "Barkeep! 3 shots of bells whisky"
"On the rocks?"
"No ice, we like it neat."
The man downs 2 shots in double quick succession, and gives the third to his pet giraffe. The pet Giraffe drinks his and immediately passes out and collapses to the floor. The man tries to slink away.. Bartender says "You can't leave that lyin 'ere!"
Man says "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
 
ChicagoBlue said:
Eastern European guy looking for a job sees an opening cleaning the lion cages at the zoo. Does an interview, his English is not too good but they give him the job anyway. They give him a safety briefing about never going in while the two lions are in there, especially during current mating season!

Couple of days later they can’t find him! They realize the worst has probably happened, and that he probably didn’t understand the instructions of staying out of the cage when the mating lions were in there.

So, the zoo has to euthanize both the lions, and sure enough… The Czech was in the male!
Click to expand...
True story: In the late 80s I was on a National Express coach going from London to Manchester. The bloke next to me had just arrived from Poland to look for work. The coach had a couple of stops en-route, but also had a request-only stop in Sale, if anyone wanted to get off there.
The driver gets on the microphone and says “Anyone on here for Sale?”. The Polish guy turned to me with a face as white as a sheet.
 
A young whale was swimming in the ocean with his girlfriend when he spots the whaling ship that harpooned & killed his father, so he says to his girlfriend, look if we both sneak under the ship and shoot air through our blow holes together it will overturn the boat and drown all the men that killed my father,
So they did as he planned & sure enough all the sailors end up in the water but the whale can see some of the men swimming for the shore so he says to his girlfriend I am going over to eat those men to stop them reaching safety will you help but his girlfriend says.....................


"No way, I agreed to the blow job but I am certainly not swallowing any seamen!"
 
J.G.Blue. said:
A young whale was swimming in the ocean with his girlfriend when he spots the whaling ship that harpooned & killed his father, so he says to his girlfriend, look if we both sneak under the ship and shoot air through our blow holes together it will overturn the boat and drown all the men that killed my father,
So they did as he planned & sure enough all the sailors end up in the water but the whale can see some of the men swimming for the shore so he says to his girlfriend I am going over to eat those men to stop them reaching safety will you help but his girlfriend says.....................


"No way, I agreed to the blow job but I am certainly not swallowing any seamen!"
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Now that I think about it, It makes sense why the Cyclops was killed off from the X-men movies. He was the highest ranked member of the X-men (named after Charles Xavier), right in line to take over from the old crippled Dr.Xavier, if that had actually happened then the X-men would be known as the C-men.
 
roman totale said:
True story: In the late 80s I was on a National Express coach going from London to Manchester. The bloke next to me had just arrived from Poland to look for work. The coach had a couple of stops en-route, but also had a request-only stop in Sale, if anyone wanted to get off there.
The driver gets on the microphone and says “Anyone on here for Sale?”. The Polish guy turned to me with a face as white as a sheet.
Click to expand...
A couple of stops???

As I recall, that’s a 5+ hour trip from Hell?! Maybe that’s including the Heathrow to Central London leg? Thank Hod for Heathrow Express into London now, although the actual TRAIN station is better, because it takes you to Euston rather than Paddington!
(It’s been a while, so apologies if that’s changed recently)
 
ChicagoBlue said:
A couple of stops???

As I recall, that’s a 5+ hour trip from Hell?! Maybe that’s including the Heathrow to Central London leg? Thank Hod for Heathrow Express into London now, although the actual TRAIN station is better, because it takes you to Euston rather than Paddington!
(It’s been a while, so apologies if that’s changed recently)
Click to expand...
Don't get it
 
ChicagoBlue said:
A couple of stops???

As I recall, that’s a 5+ hour trip from Hell?! Maybe that’s including the Heathrow to Central London leg? Thank Hod for Heathrow Express into London now, although the actual TRAIN station is better, because it takes you to Euston rather than Paddington!
(It’s been a while, so apologies if that’s changed recently)
Click to expand...
It was a Xmas shopping special from Piccadilly to Russell Sq, aimed at giving people a chance to get there and back in a day, so only did very limited stops all in the M’cr area. I’d actually taken it as a cheap way to go and watch Hereford United at Barnet in an FA Cup match.
 
In the park there were two naked stone statues, a male and a female, who'd stood facing one another for over one hundred years.
One day an angel came down and spoke to them. The angel said that as they'd stood on their plinths, through all kinds of weather during their lifetime, she would allow them to come alive for one hour, and do what ever they wanted.
The male statue said to the female, "Shall we?" She replied, "Yes".
They went into the bushes and there was loads of moaning and groaning, puffing and panting. After thirty minutes they both reappeared with a look of pleasure and satisfaction on their faces.
The angel met them and said you have obviously enjoyed that, but you still have thirty minutes left.
This time the lady said, "Shall we do it again?" The male statue was quick to agree, saying, "Fine, but this time you hold the pigeon down while I crap on it."
 
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