Joke thread

[Scareye]

What's blue and fucks old women?
Hypothermia.

 

[BackofJeanette]

Man takes 16 yr old grandson into the bookies. He asks if he can put a bet on? Grandad says "If u can touch ur arse with your dick u can.""I can't" says the lad. "Well then your not old enough." So he goes next door buys a scratch card & wins £100,000. He runs to tell grandad who suggests they split it 50-50. Lad asks "Grandad can u touch ur arse with ur dick?""Yes I can." Says grandad. Lad says "Well go fuck yourself"

 

[ChrisNUFC]

A semi-detached house was ablaze yesterday with a man with two wooden legs trapped inside. The fire brigade have seen confirmed that whilst damage to the house was superficial, the gentleman in question was sadly burnt to the ground.

 

[Squelch]

A flotilla of 1000 boats sailed up the Thames in honour of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee .

A spokesman for the Guinness Book of Records confirmed it as the greatest concentration of seamen for an 86 year old grandmother, beating Wayne Rooney's previous record.

 

[tommyhair]

Love these mate, haha

This fat girl came up to me in the pub last night and said "Hi, I'm Anita"

I said, "I can fucking see that!"


.................................



Barry Gibb has asked that Robin be buried with his twin Maurice .... The grave digger said it depends on "HOW DEEP IS YOUR BRUV?"

..................................

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom ...... They are fucking Brilliant, It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex...


............................

Two testicles were arguing about what they really were.The first said, "I think we're walnuts."The second said "I think we're chestnuts."
The penis turned to them and said,
"Will you two shut the fuck up. You're both talking bollocks!"

-- Wed May 23, 2012 10:42 pm --

My dyslexic girlfriend sent me a text saying she loved anal.
My excitement disappeared when I got home and found she'd run off with my best friend Alan

 

[paphos-mcfc]

Did any one else see Paul McCartney play the piano at The Diamond Jubilee Concert?
Nice to see him fingering something with legs for a change.!!!

 

[Anonymous]

In new claims surrounding Michael Jacksons death, It's reported that he went for a walk late at night on his own and because the street lights had failed he only had the light of the moon, he couldn't see properly and fell over a child s pushchair, his agent said in an official police statement "don't blame it on the moonlight, blame it on the buggy" lol.

 

[tommyhair]

Oh dear

In new claims surrounding Michael Jacksons death, It's reported that he went for a walk late at night on his own and because the street lights had failed he only had the light of the moon, he couldn't see properly and fell over a child s pushchair, his agent said in an official police statement "don't blame it on the moonlight, blame it on the buggy" lol.

 

[ob]

I met Rolf Harris at the Jubilee concert I said are you the bloke that did 2 little boys in the 70s he says no that was Gary Glitter

 

[Cellarite]

I've been banned from looking after the kids. I was watching a DVD with them the other night whilst the wife was at work. My lad asked "Is that lady going to die?"

I replied "Judging by the size of the horses cock son, I reckon there's a fair chance."