Joke thread

Man takes 16 yr old grandson into the bookies. He asks if he can put a bet on? Grandad says "If u can touch ur arse with your dick u can.""I can't" says the lad. "Well then your not old enough." So he goes next door buys a scratch card & wins £100,000. He runs to tell grandad who suggests they split it 50-50. Lad asks "Grandad can u touch ur arse with ur dick?""Yes I can." Says grandad. Lad says "Well go fuck yourself"
 
A semi-detached house was ablaze yesterday with a man with two wooden legs trapped inside. The fire brigade have seen confirmed that whilst damage to the house was superficial, the gentleman in question was sadly burnt to the ground.
 
A flotilla of 1000 boats sailed up the Thames in honour of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee .

A spokesman for the Guinness Book of Records confirmed it as the greatest concentration of seamen for an 86 year old grandmother, beating Wayne Rooney's previous record.
 
Love these mate, haha
BackofJeanette said:
This fat girl came up to me in the pub last night and said "Hi, I'm Anita"

I said, "I can fucking see that!"


.................................



Barry Gibb has asked that Robin be buried with his twin Maurice .... The grave digger said it depends on "HOW DEEP IS YOUR BRUV?"

..................................

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom ...... They are fucking Brilliant, It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex...


............................

Two testicles were arguing about what they really were.The first said, "I think we're walnuts."The second said "I think we're chestnuts."
The penis turned to them and said,
"Will you two shut the fuck up. You're both talking bollocks!"

-- Wed May 23, 2012 10:42 pm --

My dyslexic girlfriend sent me a text saying she loved anal.
My excitement disappeared when I got home and found she'd run off with my best friend Alan
Click to expand...
 
Did any one else see Paul McCartney play the piano at The Diamond Jubilee Concert?
Nice to see him fingering something with legs for a change.!!!
 
In new claims surrounding Michael Jacksons death, It's reported that he went for a walk late at night on his own and because the street lights had failed he only had the light of the moon, he couldn't see properly and fell over a child s pushchair, his agent said in an official police statement "don't blame it on the moonlight, blame it on the buggy" lol.
 
Oh dear
themadinventor said:
In new claims surrounding Michael Jacksons death, It's reported that he went for a walk late at night on his own and because the street lights had failed he only had the light of the moon, he couldn't see properly and fell over a child s pushchair, his agent said in an official police statement "don't blame it on the moonlight, blame it on the buggy" lol.
Click to expand...
 
I met Rolf Harris at the Jubilee concert I said are you the bloke that did 2 little boys in the 70s he says no that was Gary Glitter
 
I've been banned from looking after the kids. I was watching a DVD with them the other night whilst the wife was at work. My lad asked "Is that lady going to die?"

I replied "Judging by the size of the horses cock son, I reckon there's a fair chance."
 
My wife took the car for its M.O.T.

When she returned, I said, "How did it go?"

"Well..." she replied. "The steering's knackered, the headlights need work, the bumper needs replacing, the suspension's buggered and the clutch is fucked."

"I take it that's a fail," I said sarcastically.

"Oh, no," she replied. "It passed. I did all that on the way home."
 
I went to see my nan today, I told her she looked well for her age.

She said "My nipples are as hot today as they were 50 years ago"

I said "They will be, one's in your coffee and the other's in your porridge."
 
citykev28 said:
I've been banned from looking after the kids. I was watching a DVD with them the other night whilst the wife was at work. My lad asked "Is that lady going to die?"

I replied "Judging by the size of the horses cock son, I reckon there's a fair chance."
Click to expand...

Quality.
 
BEST 5 FUCKS EVER.
5. Fuck me! That plane's a bit low! - New York residents, 2001.

4. You want fucking WHAT on the ceiling? - Michelangelo, 1566.

3. Fucking slow down! - Princess Diana, 1997.

2. Listen, for the last time, I haven't fucking seen them! - Ian Huntley, 2002.

1. We'll win the fucking league this year! - Liverpool fans, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010.2011,2012
 
BackofJeanette said:
BEST 5 FUCKS EVER.
5. Fuck me! That plane's a bit low! - New York residents, 2001.

4. You want fucking WHAT on the ceiling? - Michelangelo, 1566.

3. Fucking slow down! - Princess Diana, 1997.

2. Listen, for the last time, I haven't fucking seen them! - Ian Huntley, 2002.

1. We'll win the fucking league this year! - Liverpool fans, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010.2011,2012[/quote)

What the Fuck was that !!!!!- Mayor of Hiroshima 1945.
Click to expand...
 
BEST 5 FUCKS EVER.
5. Fuck me! That plane's a bit low! - New York residents, 2001.

4. You want fucking WHAT on the ceiling? - Michelangelo, 1566.

3. Fucking slow down! - Princess Diana, 1997.

2.What the Fuck was that ? - Mayor of Hiroshima 1945.

1. We'll win the fucking league this year! - Liverpool fans, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010.2011,2012


Edited!

I didn't like the Huntley bit !
 
The Queens corgis are delighted Prince Phillip is back at the palace.

They won't get blamed for pissing on the sofa anymore.

.........................


At my cousin's wedding last weekend I got talking to a man who was wearing a kilt.

I said, "You've probably been asked this loads of times already, but can I ask you the traditional question?"

He grinned and replied,
"Oh, go on then!"

I said, "Do you realise you look a complete ****?''

.........................................

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to suck my cheesy cock.She tutted and said "That's not very mature!"

I'll ask her again in a week or so.


...................................

I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller.

Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69
 
Paddy and Mick were looking through a catalogue, Mick says that there are some fine looking women in here, Paddy sees the price and says, aye, and cheap too, so they decide they will buy a couple.

A week later, Paddy arrives home and asks Mick if the women have arrived yet...


No But they wont be long, their clothes were delivered today
 
law74 said:
Paddy and Mick were looking through a catalogue, Mick says that there are some fine looking women in here, Paddy sees the price and says, aye, and cheap too, so they decide they will buy a couple.

A week later, Paddy arrives home and asks Mick if the women have arrived yet...


No But they wont be long, their clothes were delivered today
Click to expand...

love it.
 
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '


The little girl replied thoughtfully,



'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
 
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