Joke thread

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

You rang ?

 

[lefty goldblatt]

We need sanctuary from these puns

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

There's one just over the humpback bridge on the canal

 

[Zubrman]

I gor blimey hate these puns.

 

[Mad Eyed Screamer]

A man went into a supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some w***** out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished the sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?”
"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Cardiff?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players.”
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff.”
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?”

Hooker?

 

[Tuearts right boot]

I used to know a copper who lived on Lettsby Avenue

 

[Paulpowersleftfoot]

Jake went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'

Jake thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result Jake planned a romantic evening with his wife Mary and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

Mary was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said. "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"

With tears in his eyes he replied. "I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse"

 

[BELLENDER]

Yesterday was a beautiful sunny, brisk winters day, and me and the wife were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch we stopped for lunch and
I asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said:
“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

 

[1.618034]

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Just been offered my dream job. £70k a year at the Brittle Bone Society... I snapped his hand off!