Joke thread

[balotellishaircut]

Fella buys a talking centipede for £5000, and takes it home in a small box

After 30 mins he opens the box and says “would you like to go for a pint”

The centipede doesn’t answer
Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply

Getting angry, thinking he’s been done, he shouts the question loudly

At which point the centipede sticks his head out of the box and says “ I heard you the first time, I’m putting my fucking shoes on “

 

[balotellishaircut]

Wife and I had a few drinks and one thing lead to another

She turns to me in bed with a wicked grin and tells me to “ turn out the light, and she’ll take it up her arse “

With the benefit of hindsight, I probably should of waited for the bulb to cool down.

 

[Zuriblue]

I just read an incredible 13th century account of a feudal uprising, where a duke's son was killed by rebels who used a trebuchet to knock him off the battlements with the only available ordnance: a peasant's decapitated head.

Apparently, it was the first serf-face-to-heir missile.

 

[Indaparkside]

Got an Indian takeaway last night put it down to pay the driver when I got back in the living room the bastard dog had ate it all, anyway woke up this morning the dogs lay on its back with its legs in the air. Called the vet fearing the worse after being checked over he assured me the animal was ok, he said keep an eye on him he should be right as rain in a few days apparently he’s only in a korma

 

[Ancient Citizen]

Who ever finds a decent ABBA pun will be a Super Trouper

I asked my mate, who's a bit thick,
''Everyone has a favourite ABBA song, what's yours?''

He said, ''Take your teeth out.''

''''Take your teeth out?''

''Yeah, its a cracker, ''Take your teeth out, tell me what's wrong.''

 

[balotellishaircut]

I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night when the wife said to me “ You don’t half spoil those dogs “

 

[Indaparkside]

I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night when the wife said to me “ You don’t half spoil those dogs “

Seen that PUNCH line coming

 

[balotellishaircut]

Seen that PUNCH line coming

It’s an old one mate, still a little funny though :)

 

[balotellishaircut]

The fire brigade were called out today after a Irishman got stuck to a condom machine

When asked how he said the machine read “ insert two pound coins and push nob in “

 

[LWashington]

The film Tora! Tora! Tora! dramatizes the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. Not to be confused with the film

Atora! Atora! Atora! which dramatizes an Irish Kamikazi pilot's crash into a large suet pudding.