Joke thread

[mat]

 

[MellowJoe]

My girlfriend has been giving me a hard time. Yesterday, she accused me of being rude and that I send her mixed messages.
I said 'You've made your bed, now let sleeping dogs lie in it, you fuck'

 

[sir baconface]

 

[Bill Walker]

My partner has just said to me "For gods sake will you stop singing Wonderwall"

I said "maybeeee".

 

[yeseye]

My wife asked me to put olive oil on the shopping list.

Now it's all fucking soggy.

 

[sir baconface]

 

[sir baconface]

 

[ray21]

St Peter

 

[balotellishaircut]

My blind wife asked me to surprise her for her birthday, so I left a plunger in the toilet.

 

[balotellishaircut]

The instructions on my new deodorant stick say “remove lid and push up bottom
My farts smell nice but I’m having trouble walking