joke thread....

Courtneyneild

Well-Known Member
Joined
9 Nov 2018
Messages
975
A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.
-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The boss: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The boss: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.
Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g.
The boss agreed though he was surprized at the weird things the client asked to have.
The client went into his room, he didn't ask for food or anything else.
Unfortunately for the boss, his room was next to room 39.
After midnight, the boss heard strange voices and noise in that client's room. Voices of wild animals and of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor.
The boss didn't sleep that night. He kept thinking and wondering what might be the source of the noise.
In the morning, when the client handed the keys to the boss, the latter asked to see the room first.
He went to the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual. He even found the thread, the black knife and the orange on the table.
The client paid the bill and gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel smiling.
The boss was in a shock but he didn't reveal what he heard to the bellboys. In fact, he started to doubt himself.
After one year, the client showed up again. He asked to see the boss again. The boss was in a puzzle.
The client asked the same things: room 39, black knife, white thread 39cm and an orange 79g.
This time, the boss wanted to know the truth by all means possible. He spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight, the same voices and noises started, this time louder and more indecipherable than the year before.
Again, before leaving, the client paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the bellboys. The smile didn't leave his face.
The boss started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked to have. Why did he ask room 39? why the white thread? why the black knife??? In fact, the boss didn't arrive to any convincing answer to all these questions.
The boss now was eagerly waiting for the month of March, the month in which the client showed up.
To his surprise, on the first day of March, the same client showed up. He asked the same questions. Wanted to book the same room, wanted to have the same things as before.
The boss again heard the same noises, this time more louder than before.
In the morning, when the client was leaving the hotel, the boss apologized politely to the client and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.
-''If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?''
-''I promise I will never let anyone know''.
-''Swear''
-''I swear I won't reveal your secret''
So finally, the client revealed his secret to the boss.
Unfortunately, the boss was a sincere person. Until now he hasn't revealed his secret to anyone.
When he does, I will let you know... thank you for reading.

You should be banned for Wumming
 

Bill Walker

Well-Known Member
Joined
24 Dec 2006
Messages
19,292
Location
Down under
THE 1st AFFAIR
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

THE 2nd AFFAIR
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

THE 3rd AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

THE 4th AFFAIR
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

THE 5th AFFAIR
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

THE 6th & BEST AFFAIR
Jake as dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
‘There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
 

dronefromsector7G

Well-Known Member
Joined
1 Jul 2015
Messages
18,014
Location
How’s my posting? Call 0800-EAT-SHIT
THE 1st AFFAIR
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

THE 2nd AFFAIR
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

THE 3rd AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

THE 4th AFFAIR
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

THE 5th AFFAIR
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

THE 6th & BEST AFFAIR
Jake as dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
‘There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
The 2nd time you’ve told that joke this year
 

Ghost of 76

Well-Known Member
Joined
26 Feb 2020
Messages
73
Team supported
Manchester City
Some people have too much time on their hands, with too little imagination to know what to do with it!
 

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